I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 'Because I said so, thatʼs why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP. 'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'
Note: Of course, I never heard my mother say anything like this to me, and I certainly never said anything like this to any of our children.
No, my mother didn't teach me to lie. She taught me A Mother's Methodology of Family Survival:
Truth by blatant assertion.
About that Number Six ... In 1993, I was run over by a beer delivery truck.
ReplyDeleteI know, but it really, truly WAS a beer delivery truck.
He ran over my left foot and pinned it, and I fell underneath the cab, tearing the ligaments in my ankle pretty badly. I was lying in the middle of the road, the main road in the city, and knew that since my foot hurt SO badly, everything important between it and my brain was fine. Then I realized, my skirt was all bunched up underneath me, to my waist.
And I lay in the middle of the road, underneath the cab of the truck, waiting for the ambulance, wondering just which panties I HAD put on that morning.
So just put on clean ones before you go out, because YOU NEVER KNOW.
If I have said one word of a lie here, I wish to be struck by lightning.
Kate, the last time I had a "waiting for the ambulance" accident, to my mother's everlasting shame, I was wearing no panties at all.
ReplyDeleteRather than tell her that after back surgery the pressure of elastic around my waist seems to set of leg spasms (she'd worry don't ya know), I just told her they were all dirty, which was also true.
She came down with two dozen in my size AND went through my dirty laundry and washed every pair I had, throwing away the (w)holy ones. Then buying even more! to replace them.
Don't know for sure about you, but I know the lightning won't hit me. Every word is true, bless my mother's good heart.
OTOH, my GRANDMOTHER taught me that the "Mr. Spock Vulcan Nerve Pinch" wasn't just a TV thing. She could get her fingers into your supraclavicular notch and into the base of your neck and squeeze like you wouldn't believe when you were misbehaving in the store!
ReplyDeleteGrandmothers know how to pinch! Actually, the worse was when my grandmother would take the knuckle of her middle finger and drive it into your thigh or arm. Yeowch! I remember complaining to my mother once and she said, "Don't complain to me! You should have felt it when she was twenty years younger and even stronger." It was the only time I remember laughing with my mother about corporal punishments.
ReplyDelete