Save the Twinkie!

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do with a package of Twinkies was to pop the cellophane wrapper. My mother said it was the sound of "freshness" - which seemed odd to me, given the fact that even I knew that there were enough chemicals in the thing to preserve my body long after my death.

The other favorite thing to do with a Twinkie was to take a bite, chew it up, and then stick out my tongue and gross out my sisters and brothers with the masticated mess in my mouth. We'd howl with laughter and feigned revulsion and fall on the floor in hysteria. I'm not sure why that was so funny, but I remember it being hilarious.

Mother always tried to put a Hostess Treat in our lunch boxes. Twinkies were a favorite, but so were the Golden Chocolate Cupcakes, HoHos, Devil Dogs, and Ding Dongs.

Hostess Fruit Pies, on the other hand, were a bit too substantial. I could never finish the thing without my sides hurting and my belly feeling way too full. I often saved it for an after school snack.

Hostess Treats were a little something special my mother provided for us kids, no doubt to take the sting from the monotony of a bologna or peanut butter and jell sandwich and a piece of fruit.

It was also a sign of our emerging affluence after my mother returned to work in the sweat shop. We were saving up to buy a home of our own, but, along the way, we could afford "store bought" desserts, and wasn't that just a symbol that the American Dream was real?

If you work hard enough, and "pick yourself up by your own bootstraps," you, too, could afford to have store bought treats in your lunch box.

That's all gone now. Hostess has declared bankruptcy, a victim of a prolonged and difficult labor dispute. Some blame Obamacare on its demise (of course - just like Hurricane Sandy was responsible for the re-election of Mr. Obama).

The truth is that Hostess is owned by two private hedge-fund companies. You know, the kind Mr. Romney ran that favors bankruptcy over actually finding compromise with the workers for fair wages so the "investors" can leave the table with money in their pockets. It's the same think that might have happened to GM and Chrysler if the government hadn't stepped in.

Twinkies were called “the cream puff of the proletariat,” so I suppose, since the election campaign was all about saving the middle class, we shouldn't be surprised that there was no government intervention to Save the Twinkie, much less the HoHo or the Ding Dong.

Still, it makes me very sad. The Twinkie is so much a part of American culture, it's hard to imagine what life will be like without it. I mean, with all those chemicals in it, I thought they would last forever. There's even a scene in the animated film “WALL-E”, which is set hundreds of years in the future, where the only surviving species is the cockroach, and its favorite food is an abnormally fresh Twinkie. (Folklore aside, a Twinkie’s shelf life is two to three weeks.)

Even though I haven't actually eaten any Hostess pastries (and, I'm being very liberal with that term) in - oh, gosh! -  it's got to be at least 25 years, there was something wonderful about going into the WaWa or Seven Eleven and seeing rows and rows of the stuff. 

Fast food places like MacDonalds or Burger King will have to become the defense for erratic, homophobic, homicidal behavior that killed Harvey Milk. Remember? It was the "Twinkie Defense" that spared Dan White a Murder One charge and got it reduced to voluntary manslaughter.

Mr. White apparently didn't learn the lesson of jurisprudence and kept on eating them, which apparently led - a few years later - to his suicide.

I don't believe Twinkies - or, HoHos, Devil Dogs and Ding Dongs - are intrinsically evil. I ate lots of them growing up and never once shot and killed a homosexual person.

I do occasionally struggle with homicidal ideations about Hedge Fund Companies but I don't think that has anything to do with Hostess Treats. It probably has more to do with indigestion caused by an overindulgence in too much MSNBC.

Here's the thing:  18,500 people are out of a job, and an iconic product will cease production unless another firm scoops up the brand.

If GM and Chrysler are worth saving, isn't there anyone who is willing to Save the Twinkie? Workers, arise! Save the "cream puff of the proletariat"!

I mean, what are the cockroaches of the future going to have to eat? How will archeologists of the future find our bodies without the soft glow created by all the various preservatives and chemicals in just one Twinkie?

Does this signal the death of the American Dream?

I think I'm going to have to go out and buy a package of Hostess Twinkies. Or, a HoHo or Ding Dong. The next time I feel the urge to find an owner of a Hedge Fund Company and slap him silly, I'll take out a Twinkie, listen for the pop of the cellophane wrapper, remove one of the always super-moist finger cakes, and take a big bite. Then, I'll chew it up and keep it in my mouth.

I'll have to have someone take a picture of me, sticking out my tongue with a masticated mess of Twinkies on it and send it to the Hedge Fund owners of Hostess. 

It won't change anything, I'm sure, but it will make me feel better.  I may even laugh and laugh and laugh, until I fall over on the floor.

Just consider it my own form of "Twinkie Defense" against the depression and sadness I feel losing all these symbols of my childhood.

Is nothing sacred any more?