Laughing At Adversity

Rick Santorum told the crowd at CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) that insurance companies shouldn’t cover birth control and that women should buy their own birth control because it "just costs a few dollars".

He also said that Romney won CPAC's straw poll by a few votes, implying that Romney had bought some tickets for those in the audience who then voted for him.

Romney's camp responded with this quote: “Rick Santorum has a history of making statements that aren't grounded in the truth."

Gee, ya think?

I can't say anything about the CPAC straw poll, but I do know that birth control doesn't cost "just a few dollars". According to Planned Parenthood:

Oral contraceptives or “The Pill” range between $35 and $250 for the initial provider visit and the cost of a monthly supply of pills ranges between $15 and $50 a month, which amounts to between $180 and $600 a year depending on woman’s medical coverage. This means some women without insurance coverage for contraception may pay over $850 the first year of their prescription. Other forms of birth control are far more expensive. For instance, the cost for a monthly supply of birth control patches ranges from $15 to $80 dollars, or between $180 and $960 a year. Combined with the doctors visit, uninsured women could spend over $1,200 dollars in the first year.”

Men, on the other hand, can pick up a twelve pack of condoms at Walmart for under ten dollars or buy one condom for 75 cents at a gas station vending machine. There is no prescription or doctor visit required. It’s much easier and less expensive for men to practice safe sex than it is for women.

By comparison, even a vasectomy costs less than a years worth of birth control patches. Planned Parenthood can do the procedure for $1,000 or less and, if done properly, it should last forever. The patches can cost $1,200 with a doctor visit and women have to pay that cost every single year.

See also: Santorum's history of "making statements that aren't grounded in the truth".

But, Santorum isn't the only one. There's lots of statements - many of them about women - that simply aren't grounded in the truth. There is no paucity of anti-women candidates running for office - and running Congress.

Men who think women can’t make their own decisions about their bodies. Men who think women should be told who to have sex with (no lesbians) and when (only when married). Men who think women are just baby carriers who should serve the demands of men.

It's all so hideous as to be unbelievable. Except, it's true: all these men who are either running Congress or running for election to be President of the United States are telling these lies about women.

So, what's to be done?

Well, some women have decided to use the best tool against this sort of deceit and licentiousness.

Humor.

Case in point: Janet Howell, Democratic Senator from Virginia, had had just about enough when the Virginia senate proposed a bill requiring women to undergo an ultrasound before having an abortion.

So, Howell attached an amendment to the bill that would require men to have a rectal exam and cardiac stress test before being prescribed Viagra for erectile dysfunction. "We need some gender equality here," she said.

Well, it didn't work. No gender equality. Not in Virginia. Not that day, anyway. The amendment failed but the bill passed.

But, so did the sense of humor - it passed from one senator to another.

Republican Senator Brian Crain of Tulsa, Oklahoma, introduced the "Personhood" bill, which sought to legally define human life as beginning at conception - even before implantation in the womb - and offered more legal protection to a one-celled zygote than its fully grown adult mother.

Democratic Senator Constance Johnson introduced an amendment which stated: "Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child."

Can't you just hear Monty Python singing, "Every Sperm Is Sacred"?

And, it's just as hilarious.

The State Senator later willingly withdrew the amendment, telling her colleagues that she had introduced it to highlight the ridiculous sexism inherent in a Personhood Law that would force women to be pregnant.

Another pro-choice legislator, Democrat Jim Wilson, attempted to add an amendment to the bill that would require the father of the child to be financially responsible for the woman's health care, housing, transportation, and nourishment while she was pregnant.

The amendment also failed, but it didn't fail to make the rather sharp point of very reason women make the difficult choice not to carry a pregnancy to term.

There's a wonderful scene in "The Witches of Eastwick" where one of the women is thrown over the banister and is falling to certain death.

"Laugh!" say the other two. "Laugh!"

She begins to laugh and then floats to the floor, unharmed.

Laughter may not win the War on Women, but it certainly helps to win some of the battles.

Laughter can be like that other wonderful scene in that movie, where Jack Nicholson, (aka Satan), is driven into a church and asks the congregation,

"So, what do you think? Women? A mistake (like tidal waves and earthquakes)? Or, did He do it to us on purpose? Because I really wanna know! Because, if it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune systems. Get a little exercise. You know, twenty pushups a day and you never have to be afflicted with women, ever again."

I think Rick Santorum and a few other Republicans could have given that little speech - and done it just as effectively so we could all laugh and laugh and laugh them right out of the running - and, please God - right out of office.

It may not be the best way to rid ourselves of these sexist, misogynist imbeciles, but it would at least make having to deal with them a bit less stressful.

I still remember when Senator Ann Richards (D-TX), gave the 1988 keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. She said of George Bush, Sr. "He was born on third base and thought he hit a triple."

During that same speech, she also said, "Poor George, he can't help it — he was born with a silver foot in his mouth."

As I recall, "Old #41" didn't win re-election. Bill Clinton did.

So, there's hope, I think, in laughing at adversity. Especially when some of these guys hand us humor on a silver platter.

Like, what old Rick Santorum's famously said about congressional efforts to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. He said, and I quote: "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?".

Yup, that'll sure scare the beejesus out of any terrorist and we'll all sleep better at night knowing we're safe from 'Teh Gay'.

This guy is almost as good as former Vice President, Dan Quale who said, "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

So, what do you think? The current crop of Republican politicians? A mistake? Or, did God do it to us on purpose? Because I really want to know. Because, if it's a mistake, maybe we can do something about it! Find a cure! Invent a vaccine! Build up our immune systems. Get a little exercise. You know, twenty pushups a day and you never have to be afflicted with these imbeciles, ever again.

And now you're going to remind me that President #41 may have been followed by #42, but he was followed by #43 who was none other than "Shrub" - aka "Bush the younger" - a perfect example of a a waste of a sperm and ovum if ever there was one - who once said, "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."

Until then, I suspect laughter is the best medicine we have.

As that great Texan political commenter and feminist, Molly Ivins, once said, "Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented."

It's universal, Ms. Ivins. It's absolutely universal.

And, that's a statement which is, unfortunately, well-grounded in the truth.