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Sunday, February 22, 2009

An Open Letter to Dogs and Cats


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

19 comments:

+clumber said...

To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

What? I don't speak clearly? Am I mispronouncing "woof"?

Robert said...

That was great! Thanks!

Sara said...

This is SO true. I emailed it to several of my pet loving friends. Thanks for the laugh.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

No, darling +Clumber, Your Grace. It's just that some Two-Leggeds have hearing impairments.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Robert and Sara, Thanks for stopping by. It's good to see some of my fellow fans of Four-Leggeds.

Göran Koch-Swahne said...

Horrid, in its way ;=)

Lapinbizarre said...

Just awoke from a mid-evening nap on an old-fashioned three-quarter size bed (somewhere between a twin and a full) shared with two large-ish dogs. Pity they can neither read nor understand. Love the whole of it. Thanks.

Softball Whisperer said...

That picture is the cutest picture i have ever seen!

Daisy said...

I found you through a friend's post on FB about Christa. Honest! I did not come here just to read about other dogs, or cats. But now that I'm here ... :-)

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Welcome! Look around. See if there's anything else you might enjoy

Hilary said...

This is very special; I have read it aloud to Benito in my very best Mexican Feline. He yawned and went back to horizontal full stretch coma. I've done my very best curling into human ball. It will be a very long night. paz y bien ^^~~~?

SissySees said...

Amen.

Radox said...

Elizabeth, I've just discovered your blog and my wife and I howled with laughter throughout reading this post! I approve!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Thanks, everyone. Come back and visit anytime.

Allie said...

Just had to drop in & say I LOVE this!! (we share our home currently with 3 kittens & a collie) x

Sue Roediger said...

I have just discovered you through our mutual friend Susan Russell. I am perusing your posts. I really LOVE this one. I am currently petless, so this made my day!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Thanks Sue. Welcome.

Martie Collins said...

This made my evening! Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

Ahem. Did you say "sell their children"? Perish the thought!