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Friday, May 11, 2012

Incompatible with Scripture

Well, the verdict is in this morning. I have to lose weight. Again.

Seems that all that Massaman Chicken I ate while in Thailand coupled with all that amazing food I devoured when I was on sabbatical this time last year and eating all those wonderful New England delicacies have conspired with the fact that I've gotten lazy about going to the gym and exercising at home with my WiiFit.

My summer clothes are uncomfortable.  My favorite summer jeans don't fit. And, let's not even talk about my bathing suit.

How is it that I need a new bathing suit but my flip-flops still fit?

It's the bacon. I swear.

I start eating bacon and the next thing you know, I'm standing in front of a mirror at 'California Sunshine' trying on bathing suits and feeling like someone has put a circus mirror in the changing room.

Except, it's not funny.

Suddenly, I'm the fat lady at the opera and I need a crane to get me off the stage so everyone can go home.

It's the damn bacon.

I know it's bad for me. Just fried fat with a few shards of pork. I've read the studies. It's bad for your heart. Some brands include processing that may even include carcinogens.

The worst thing about bacon is that you just can't eat it alone. It leads to craving other things. Like eggs. Which are also not so good for your heart unless, of course, you just eat the whites and what's the point of that if you're going to have bacon.

Even a lowly, innocent BLT sandwich becomes lethal. The lettuce and tomato are fine but then you have to put it on toasted bread. And, what's toasted bread unless it's slathered with butter? And then, there's the mayo. Gotta have mayo on a BLT sandwich, right? And, lots of salt and pepper.

Furthermore, after you've eaten a hearty breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast or had a BLT club sandwich for lunch, who wants to exercise!

Damn bacon!

It just puts your ever-expanding body on a slippery slope to gluttony and sloth, which leads to obesity and disease. Pretty soon, you're dead at an early age, leaving your family and friends to grieve your loss, weeping and sobbing around your casket, "If s/he had just stopped eating bacon!".

I tell ya, it just ain't right.

Why, there oughta be a law banning the stuff. It only leads to no good.  I mean, Scripture also forbids it. Well, pork anyway, but let's not get too picky.

It's right there, in the Levitical Codes, not far from the stuff about tattoos and the kinds of cloth you should wear and making interest on your money and how to discipline your children and spilling seeds - agricultural and biological.

Why is it we have laws about homosexuality but not about bacon? How can that be?

People argue against homosexuality all the time based on scripture (it's as clear as the Iberian nose in the middle of my rapidly expanding face) and we have laws about homosexuality on our books, but bacon is allowed to be sold freely in the supermarkets. Right where families shop. And gosh, right in front of the children!

Wake up people! Bacon is the same damn slippery slope as homosexuality! We all know - because there have been books written by learned men about this very thing - that homosexuality leads to polyamory and promiscuity and pedophilia and beastiality.

Bacon, like homosexuality, is incompatible with scripture.

If we banned bacon, think of all the lives we'd be saving.  I mean, haven't you heard? There's an "obesity crisis" in our country!  We have got to do something about this, people!

Even the First Lady is waging war against childhood obesity. She wants us to eat our peas and carrots and broccoli. And, she wants us to exercise. Every. Day.

You can bet Jesus didn't eat bacon. Near as I can figure, he only ate fish. And bread. Oh, and, a little wine on occasion but I'm sure he only did that so as not to offend his hosts.  I'm sure he didn't make it a daily habit. Probably just drank lots of water the rest of the time. Good man, that Jesus.

Hmmm....not sure about the vegetables, though. Nothing in scripture about Jesus eating vegetables. I'm sure we can safely assume that he did, however.

I mean, we know he didn't say anything about things like homosexuality or even abortion but we can safely assume he wouldn't be for either of those dreadful things.

He was, after all, Christian.

Besides, he walked. Everywhere. All up and down Israel. North to south. East to west. He was fit and trim and healthy.

No bacon for him. Nosireebob! It's incompatible with scripture, and you can be sure that our Lord and Savior was always in compliance with scripture.

Except, of course, he did eat his meals with all the wrong sorts of people - tax collectors and prostitutes and other sinners. And his table manners were reportedly lacking. He and his disciples (all men, but who's counting?), didn't even follow the proper Levitical Codes about washing their hands.

But, he didn't eat bacon. And, neither should we.

So, I'm going to start a campaign against bacon. I hope you'll join me in my quest for a healthier America and a healthier Church.

Next time you consider sprinkling that salad with bacon bits to bring to the Church Potluck Supper just stop. Ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" Would he sprinkle bacon bits on his salad?

I think you know the answer to that.

Likewise, when you awaken in the morning and think about frying up some eggs and bacon, just stop. Ask yourself what Jesus would have had for breakfast. Maybe some eggs. Probably some fish. Some bread - or matzo - if it was available.

But, never, ever bacon. No way. Not our Jesus.

See? It's all so simple for you to be righteous like me.

I'm really only trying to help. I don't hate people who love bacon. I love them. It's the bacon they eat that I hate. Seeing other people eat bacon only makes me want to eat bacon, and that's just plain wrong. It leads me into temptation and we know what scripture says about that.

Here's what I say: Love the sinner, hate the bacon.

With that piece of wisdom in mind, together, we can save the world from obesity and disease. We can lower the risk of heart attack and stroke. Aroused from our pork-induced stupors, we can pull ourselves away from the table, get up off our couches and lounge chairs, and begin to exercise.

Why, by our actions today, we can save an entire generation from the sins of gluttony and sloth! 

Eventually, we might even be able to reverse the evils of Obamacare.  Although, we may need a constitutional amendment that bans bacon - state by state - in order to accomplish our goals. We'll have to organize a legislative committee to make that a top priority.

We can also set up clinics that will help people release themselves from the evil stranglehold of bacon. Some powerful prayer mixed with Bible Study and some mild aversion therapy and we can't help but be successful in helping people avoid the evils of bacon.

I know it sounds like a lofty goal, but we can 'git 'er done' if you join me in hating bacon and banning it from our marketplaces and restaurants, our refrigerators and tables.

You are what you eat, and who wants to be a pig?

Christians, unite! Let's be compatible with scripture! We could even get our kosher Jewish friends to help us meet our goals!

We can't "agree to disagree" on this one.  I mean, we know that all of creation has "sacred worth" but I see no reason to state that we disagree. We disagree on almost every issue we consider. If some people get their feelings hurt over this, well, that's just too bad, but it has ever been thus in the church's history. The stakes are simply too high.

Besides, we have scripture on our side and the witness and model of Jesus himself. No bacon for him and he hung out with all those men but you know he loved women. He even let one wash his feet!

Buttermilk bacon pralines
You can, of course, send donations to help me in my cause. I'll be setting up a PayPal account, as soon as I get the webpage up. It will be at www.SalvationFromBacon.org.

I'm sure we can get at least 30 states to join us in our movement to have a constitutional amendment banning bacon. I mean, they've already banned marriage equality so we won't even have to break a sweat to convince anyone of our argument. The solid foundation has already be set for us.

Although, those are Southern states, aren't they? They do love their bacon and pulled pork, don't they?  Never mind. The challenge is before us, friends, but I know that by the power of the Holy Spirit, we can accomplish more than we could ask for or imagine.

Isn't this exciting? With your help, I'll soon be able to fit back into my favorite summer jeans and bathing suit. And, soon, you'll be able to do the same! And, isn't that what's really important? That we all be the same? Think the same things? Eat the same things?

Ah, see how we Christians love one another - enough to tell each other what to do and how to live our lives and what to eat and who to love and what to hate.

Just like in scripture.

19 comments:

it's margaret said...

ROFLOL!!! This is one of your best!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Thanks, Margaret. You know how I get when I'm passionate about something. ;~)

Karen said...

Lordy. This is wonderful.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Karen - I do some of my best work when my last poor tired nerve has been pulled.

SUSAN RUSSELL said...

Best Ever!!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Susan - High praise from someone who hits them out of the park with regularity. Thanks, darlin'.

whiteycat said...

The MOST CLEVER POST in blogger history! Wonderful!!!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Thanks, Whiteycat, but you know Madpriest has me beat by a country mile.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

RevMama said...

I read your blog while eating lunch, and just about spat my ham sandwich across the table when I read "Love the sinner, hate the bacon.". So little bit of ham, doesn't matter, does it? I mean, I agree that bacon is bad and all that, but surely a little piece of ham won't hurt.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Oops - sorry, RevMama You left this posted on another post so I tried to re-post and answer it here.

I think ham is also incompatible with scripture. You get a pass. This time.

Unknown said...

Hysterical!

You had me before I saw the photo of the Pecan Bacon Pralines. After that, I was a goner.

Malcolm+ said...

Everything is better with bacon. Footloose wouldn't have been half the movie it was without Kevin Bacon.

Jane Ellen+ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Unknown - I wish you would leave your name. I don't like printing anonymous comments.

Jon, the blogger formerly known as DeepBlue said...

Brilliant! :)

Can I interest you in a Maple French Toast &Bacon cupcake? Well... I'm Canadian... and we all know how evil we are... we have legalized same-sex marriage!!! ;)

Have a great weekend!
Jon

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Jon, You wicked, wicked man!

Jane Ellen+ said...

This reminds me of the website proclaiming "God Hates Shrimp." Another edible abomination.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

The website is a hoot. Thanks for telling me about it. The more we do this sort of thing, the more we expose the ignorance and lies.

Will J said...

Scapebacon is just so much tastier than scapegoat.
;-)