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I had originally planned to take the 9:39 AM from Chatham into Penn Station, then the subway down to 175 W. 9th Ave at 21st. Street in Chelsea, the neighborhood with pockets of campy charm.
However, I missed the train, so I hopped into my car and took the Lincoln Tunnel in to 40th Street at 9th Ave and then down to 21st. I had been assured that "at that time of day" parking on one of the side streets would not be much of a problem.
Right.
Never trust anyone who has lived more than a year in NYC. They so desperately want you to believe the absolute best about the city they have fallen in love with that they would stand on the grave of their grandmother and tell a big fat lie and not even feel an ounce of remorse.
So, I make it into the city in great time - no traffic jams, no construction stalls, no rubber-necking at an accident or car breakdown. Not even at the Tunnel.
So far so good.
I'm at GTS and, of course, there's no place to park. By my fourth time around the block, I decide to call my seminarian and ask for the location of that parking garage with the decent rates. Was it at 27th between 8th and 9th or 26th between 9th and 10th?
Now my troubles begin.
I turn at the corner and there's a cop directing traffic around a truck that has broken down. He smiles and waves me on, I'm thinking, around the broken down truck.
Not so. I should know by now that it's never a good thing when a NYC cop smiles.
The next thing I know, I'm on 21st street and there's a blue bubble light flashing in my rear view mirror. It's my friend. The cop. Except, he's not smiling.
"License and registration," he barks. "Sure thing," I say, trying to make small talk while I find the paperwork.
"I'm just trying to find a parking place. I'm going to be speaking here at the seminary in about 20 minutes. Here you go, sir," I said, handing him my life on paper, "But can you tell me why? I mean, certainly, I was not speeding."
"Yeah, but you were talking on your cell phone while driving, lady, and you didn't pull over when instructed by a NY police officer."
"You're kidding me, right?" I asked, astonished.
"Just give me your license and registration and your insurance card. Now," he barked.
"Of course," I said, "but officer, you didn't tell me to pull over. You were directing me around the truck, weren't you?"
"NOW!" he commanded.
Okay, I'm dead dog meat, I thought. I opened my mouth and hurt myself.
He kept me waiting for 20 minutes. TWENTY minutes. I gotta give it to him. At least he was paying attention to what I had said.
I actually watched him leave the cop car and go to the nearby deli and get a cup of coffee. No joke. Then, he walked to my car, WITH THE COFFEE IN HIS HAND, and handed me my paperwork - and a summons.
My offense? Driving while talking on a cell phone.
My fine? $50 plus a $40 surcharge.
No joke.
"Thank you, officer," I said, trying to sound appropriately contrite and repentant.
"Just so you know," he said, sipping his coffee, "if you appear in court to plead 'not guilty', if you are found guilty, you will be charged an additional $100. And, if you appear in court to plead 'guilty', you may still be charged an additional $100 charge for taking up the judge's time."
He sipped his coffee again and said, "It's all there on the ticket. Just so you know."
With that, he turned on his heels and walked off.
My time with the seminarians turned out to be wonderful and I'm really, really glad I had the opportunity to talk with them.
You know, for all of the foolishness of the church, and the long, sad legacy of racism, sexism and heterosexism in our hallowed halls, I'm just glad I'm not in the NY City Police Department.
I'm even happier I don't have to live with that miserable human being who is paid to "protect and defend" the people of that great city. Just imagine being his partner or wife or child!
Oh, and I guess I won't be driving and talking on my cell phone in NY City anymore.
At least, not when there's a cop in sight.