"The best we can do . . ."

The last legislative day . . . Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Okay. It’s really Thursday, June 22, 2006. I’ve hardly slept. I walked around the city until about 1:30 AM. I have no idea how far or where I went. The streets of the city – any city – are where I’ve most often found comfort. These city streets – even for the Midwest – did not fail.

The events of yesterday still hurt. A lot. Okay. More than a lot. Truth be told, I’m devastated. Shaken to my core. I found myself sobbing just now in the shower.

I’ve heard that Bishop Duncan and 11 others walked out of the House of Bishops meeting yesterday. I understand. Honestly. I’ve been tempted to do the same thing. Just walk away from it all. Who needs this? Why do I keep putting myself in a position of being abused? What kind of perverse love is this that I have for this church?

Funny. The one song I had in my head all night and woke up with this morning was Tracy Chapman’s, “Give me one good reason, and I’ll turn my back around.” I’m not sure there is a good enough reason.

I don’t know where to even begin to describe to you what happened. Even so, I am quite suddenly aware that, while I originally thought I would start this little blog for the folks in my congregation to stay informed of the activities of the national church, I am writing to a much larger, albeit unintended audience. All of a sudden, I feel the need to guard my words.

So, a disclaimer, of sorts: these are the words of a humble parish priest, one who desperately loves her people and they, by some amazing grace, love her.

I want only to be with them – when they give birth to their children, to baptize them and prepare their children to receive Holy Eucharist; to educate and inspire them – child and adult – in the scriptures; to get them ready for Confirmation and Reception and send them off to college; to have them return for the Sacramental Rite of Marriage or Blessing of Relationship; to bring them the Word and Sacrament of Jesus; to be with them in crisis, sit with the dying, comfort the bereaved, bury the dead; to nourish and sustain them with Jesus in this life and for the life to come.

I love them. They love me. It is a wondrous thing to behold. But, after General Convention 2006, I feel that our relationship is in grave danger – not because of the church, but The Church.

You’ll want to know what happened behind the headlines. I’ll tell you.

It was raining when I awoke – late – at the obscene hour (for me) of 8 AM. Indeed, I awoke to the sound of thunder rumbling loudly outside my hotel window. Strange, I didn’t remember hearing that on the local weather forecast.

I lingered through the morning, simply enjoying the luxury of time to linger, and to consider the hard work as well as the wonder of the past week. We had come to Columbus with a careful plan and had amazed ourselves by how much we were actually able to accomplish – including the wildly surprising and unexpected gift of the first woman Primate in the Anglican Communion.

It was a great time, I thought, to be an Episcopalian. I was never more proud of my church and her courage and her bold witness. I even began to think of how I might tell the story of this glorious time in the history of the Episcopal Church to my grandchildren.

I didn’t know the clock was ticking and this glorious time was really only a moment.

There was an anxious buzz in the convention hall. It seemed odd to have all those purple shirts among us, but a special joint session had been called. There was wild speculation about what the Presiding Bishop was going to tell us. I don’t think any of us could have predicted how bad it was going to be.

When Frank Griswold read the resolution, we were stunned. As I type the words in now, I still can’t believe that it passed both houses without amendment.

Here is Resolution B-033:

“Resolved, the House of Deputies concurring, that the 75th General Convention receive and embrace The Windsor Report’s invitation to engage in a process of healing and reconciliation; and be it further

Resolved, that this Convention therefore call upon Standing Committees and bishops with jurisdiction to exercise restraint by not consenting to the consecration of any candidate to the episcopate whose manner of life presents a challenge to the wider church and will lead to further strains on communion.”

“Exercise restraint.”

I think that was an attempt at Anglican vagueness. That, along with “manner of life,” and “presents a challenge to the wider church.”

Didn’t work. It might not have been the “clarity” which Kendall Harmon and the AAC wanted, but Canterbury had spoken and we got the message loud and clear.

The bishops left the floor of the House of Deputies, whispering promises to vote this down. “Don’t worry,” they said, “it won’t come back here. We’ll take care of it.”

We went about our work – and, God knows, there was certainly a lot of it. We had not yet gotten to the resolutions which would call us to repentance and reparations for slavery, changes in our canons, new educational programs and liturgies – all of that still awaited our attention.

I’m sure everyone will have their own take on this, but here is the fact: While we worked and while the House of Bishops debated Resolution B-033, a terrible thunder and lightening storm raged outside. At times, the rain poured down so hard that people at the microphones had to raise their voices in order to be heard. Loud claps of thunder shook the roof.

I’m pretty clear about what was going on, but I’ll leave that to your own interpretation.

I’ve lost sense of the sequence of time, but it wasn’t a little more than an hour after the bishops left us that the President of the House, George Werner, called the newly elected President, Bonnie Anderson to cover for him at the dais. “I’m going to check in with Noah,” he said, making a joke that barely covered the real reason for his departure.

My stomach immediately seized in a knot. I knew then that the word was coming to us from the House of Bishops, and it wasn’t going to be good.

Things are pretty much a blur from this point on.

I remember the vote being reported: B-033 passed the House of Bishops without amendment and by an overwhelming majority.

I remember finding Michael Hopkins and Susan Russell to get their read on it. I remember them saying that we lost the vote of 20 of our bishop friends. I remember saying, “C’mon, we can push back on this.”

I remember that Susan wouldn’t look at me. I remember the pain in Michael’s eyes as he tried to sound positive and encouraging, when he said, “Okay, whatever, go ahead.”

I remember Bonnie Anderson calling our attention to the Presiding Bishop Elect, Katherine Jefferts-Schori, who wanted to address the house before we voted.

I remember the painful, heavy silence that filled the room as she spoke. Her address lasted less than five minutes. You can get her address online at the general convention web site. When I read them, I vaguely remember hearing her saying them, but I wouldn’t be able tell you everything she said and pass a lie detector test.

What I can still hear are her last words. They echo in my head. I can see them resting like a heavy, dark cloud over our heads.

“ . . . . but at this time, this is the best we can do.”

Then she turned slowly, sadly, and walked silently out of the room.

Everyone sat in stunned silence. Bonnie Anderson took a deep breath and encouraged us all to do the same. But, there was no air in that room. It had all been sucked out.

I sat in stunned disbelief.

The best we can do is injustice?

The best we can do is mediocrity?

You know the rest of the story. The House caved in to the strong arming of Frank Griswold and Rowan Williams. More than 75% of the clergy and laity passed B033 without amendment.

I had assumed that everyone in the Newark deputation voted against the resolution. I even reported as much to the reporter from the Star Ledger. Turns out, I was wrong. Bevan Stanley, rector of Christ Church, Short Hills, voted in favor of B033. He didn’t divide the vote, thanks be to God, but I think he’s going to have to deal with the repercussions of that back home.

I heard many say that they wanted to give Katharine an undivided church and a fighting chance to be invited to Lambeth in 2008.

Funny. Moderator Bob Duncan, the bishop of Pittsburgh, read a statement of disassociation from The Episcopal Church and he, along with eleven other bishops walked out.

Funny. She may not be invited to Lambeth anyway. Her gender “presents a challenge to the wider church and (may) lead to further strains on communion.”

Indeed, before long we heard from Canterbury. Turns out, we may not have saved the church from schism anyway.

Well, here. You read his words and tell me what you think:

"It is not yet clear how far the resolutions passed this week and today represent the adoption by the Episcopal Church of all the proposals set out in the Windsor Report. The wider Communion will therefore need to reflect carefully on the significance of what has been decided before we respond more fully.”

Funny – except it’s not. It’s tragic and appalling and absolutely heartbreaking. We are falling, headfirst, into the creation of a “magisterium.” We have become subject to “foreign rule.”

I’m still pretty much in shock. I return this afternoon to my home and family. I’m looking forward to a birthday party on Saturday with MacKenna Jane, our granddaughter who is turning five. Her mom is expecting our fourth grandchild in a few weeks. I didn’t even have time to go shopping for her birthday present while I was here.

Life goes on. It always does. It always will. My life has been changed and transformed by this time in Columbus, and I’ll never again be the same.

I’m trying to get over this – put it behind me. I’ve blown my nose, wiped my tears, picked up my socks and I’m trying to get on with it. I’m afraid I’m not able to “exercise restraint.”

It’s so hard. There’s this very tender place in my heart from where it was punched and kicked and beaten up yesterday afternoon.

It is not well with my soul.

I will start working on my sermon for Sunday in a little while. I also have some course work to finish and a class to attend Friday morning.

I’ll be seeing my spiritual director and spend some time with my therapist. I’ll see my chiropractor and have an adjustment on my back. I’ll hug my family and kiss the grandchildren. Our dogs, Lenny and CoCo will love me and get all excited when I walk in the door. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to get a massage.

I wish I could say I feel hopeful and confident about the future of the church. I don’t. I’m not even sure I can name or identify the entire range of my emotions. I don’t have the energy for anger. I just know that I feel very, very sad.

It’s not what I want, but, for right now, it’s the best I can do.