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"If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a Hope-er, a Pray-er, a Magic Bean buyer; if you're a pretender, come sit by my fire. For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!" -- Shel Silverstein

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"You might be a Progressive Christian if . . . ."

Remember Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a redneck if . . . ."?

Yesterday, I ended my post about Evangelicals with a little riff on Foxworthy's joke. It was a version of "You might be Evangelical if . . . ." which was written by Evangelicals as a little joke on themselves.

Turnabout is fair play.

I invited folk to post their own version of "You might be a Progressive Christian if . . ." on my FaceBook page. In less than 24 hours, I was amazed and delighted by the response.

I think there is plenty of evidence that Progressive Christians take our faith seriously, not ourselves.

With advanced apologies to Jeff Foxworthy and many Progressive Christians around the church, I offer some of their best.

If you can use the words 'liberation', 'justice' and 'hermeneutic of suspicion' in the same sentence. . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If the one WC ("water closet") in the sacristry no longer is designated for "Men" (only). . . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Kathy)

Note: If you know that a 'WC' is a toilet and what a sacristry is . . . you might be a Progressive ANGLICAN Christian.

If you carry your church's banner in the local AIDS walk (which your church started).. . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Frank)

If 'Stewardship of Creation' is a way of life. . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Sarah)

If there's an LGBT dinner at the Cathedral and a majority of the folks who show up are straight retired couples. . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Paul)

If you would consider wearing this T-shirt . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If you buy a pink and white striped clergy shirt for the pride parade . . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Carrol)

If you see Susan Russell on the TV news doing the "progressive Christian viewpoint" and tell everyone in the room, "Hey, she's my Facebook friend!" . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.(Maria)

If your parish has incense, sanctus bells...and rainbow flags. . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Laurie)

Your 8 year old son asks if it's okay if boys can be priests and bishops one day, too. . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If you think the following cartoon is wicked but funny . . . .
 . . . .. . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If your church has a service in Spanish and is working on adding a service in Creole. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If you seek actively--even forcefully--ecumenical and interfaith worship and ministries, all the while being secure in and anchored by your Episcopal/Anglican Christian faith . . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Eddie)

If the local newspaper calls you whenever they need a comment on an LGBT issue. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Christianne)

If you know Jesus did not own a copy of the KJV of the Old/New Testament. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (James).

You might be a progressive redneck Christian if you have a rainbow Episcopal Shield bumper sticker on your Ford F-150 pickup truck. (Maria)

If you think this should be the motto of the Progressive Christian Movement . . . . . .
. . . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If you have a parish float or marching unit in the local pride parade . . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Elaine)

If you have at least 4 bishops and Marge Christie as FB friends . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Elisabeth).

If you belong to a church family that really welcomes all . . . you might be a Progressive Christian. (Barbara)

If you see the importance of the "spirit of the law" instead of the "letter of the law" when it comes to TRADITION, WORSHIP, AND OTHER PRACTICES IN AND OF THE CHURCH. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Eddie).

If you have been to a U2carist . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Jay)

If you think the following cartoon is funny and is not proof positive that you have a "one track mind". . . .
. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

When you're worried you might have to call a straight priest (as your next rector). . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Elisabeth).

If you know the difference between homoousios and homoio├║sios and can actually explain it. . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Joy).

Sadly for some...if you move the candle stick 3 inches without the white gloves...you might be a Progressive Christian (Lisa).

If you advocated to have your church listed on the Believe Out Loud website of welcoming churches and are straight. . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Lori).

If this cartoon makes sense to you . . .
. . . .you might be a Progressive Christian.

If your bookshelf includes a wide variety of authors, like C.S. Lewis, J.S. Spong, N.T. Wright, M. Daly, E.S. Fiorenza, R.R. Ruther, P. Tillich, T.D. Jakes and H.R. Niebuhr. . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If the statement "Gene Robinson is the most dangerous man in the Anglican Communion" makes you laugh out loud . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.
"If the welcome message of your church says something like: "Wherever you are in your spiritual journey—whether a hesitant searcher or a longtime churchgoer— we invite you to visit and discover if this could be a possible spiritual home for you. As Episcopalians we strive to live by the message of Christ, in which there are no outcasts and all are welcome." . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Elisabeth).

If you support Reproductive Rights because you are Pro-life - including the right to life of the pregnant woman . . . you might be a Progressive Christian.

If you actually follow what Jesus taught. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Avianca).

If you loved all these comments . . . you might be a Progressive Christian (Judith).
That's it. Well, so far. If you have additional entries, just leave them in the comment section or email them to me and I'll update this from time to time.

Thanks to all who have contributed.  You really made my day.

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling a whole lot better about being a Christian - and an Evangelist.

C'mon in!  The Baptismal Water is just fine!

21 comments:

Mary-Cauliflower said...

If you have conversations with your married office mate about how to choose a welcoming and diverse church home for herself and her wife and kids...

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

YESSSSS!!!!!!!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

From Elaine C (Posted on my FB page)

"if you learn, teach and strive to live in ways that are anti-racism, anti-sexism, anti-heterosexism, and anti-classism "

Jim S said...

If you have a T-shirt that says, "All Scripture is Metaphor" . . .

www.Ibixinsight.com said...

If your eyes glaze over and you are compelled to say a quiet Hail Mary every time you hear the words - but didnt Paul say in Timothy ..... or Corinthians that blah blah repressive thought blah - you might well be a Progressive Christian

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Updated comments left at FaceBook:

Bradley: When you have more meetings than services at your church!

Bradley: when you hear the choir perform a Howell's setting flawlessly, and you know half the choir is gay and you could care less...

Frank: You might be a progressive Christian if you check Elizabeth's blog more than 5 times a day. :)

Elaine: if your favorite blogs include Telling Secrets, Inch at a time, Desert's Child, The Lead, and Queer Eye for the Lectionary

Jim: You are the reason bible study is "too disturbing" ...

Y'all are just fantastic. I'm dyin' here.

Geeklet said...

When you explain your church to someone, the first words are, "we love everybody!" ... you might be a progressive Christian. :)

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Good one, Geeklet!

Susan Hagen said...

If you have this T-Shirt (I do):

http://tinyurl.com/y7sch2s

and

http://tinyurl.com/y9tzana

I proposed this for the official EfM class shirt.

heartofruth said...

If you own a T shirt that says on the front "JESUS IS A LIBERAL" and on the back gives the dictionary definition of the word "LIBERAL"...

SUSAN RUSSELL said...

This is WAY too much fun! Thanks for a day brightener!

J. Michael Povey said...

If you know that Jesus was never a Christian, then you may be a progressive Jesus freak.

Lincoln said...

:-)

If you split your gut laughing every time you see this t Shirt while roaming around the gayborhood:

"Jesus had two Daddies"

you might be a progressive Christian...and probably a queer one too!

Jon M. Richardson said...

"If your bookshelf includes a wide variety of authors, like C.S. Lewis, J.S. Spong, N.T. Wright, M. Daly, E.S. Fiorenza, R.R. Ruther, P. Tillich, T.D. Jakes and H.R. Niebuhr. . . you might be a Progressive Christian."

>> If you know what most of those initials stand for, you might be a progressive Christian

Oriscus said...

"If your church has a service in Spanish and is working on adding a service in Creole. . . . you might be a Progressive Christian."

Especially if the majority of the congregation at those services have English as their first language, and your choir director gets dinged for programming too many Latin-text motets...

(& I am one - a progressive Christian, that is, as proudly as self-awareness will allow)

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

This deserves to be put into a book and circulated widely among Progressive churches.

Georges said...

If you publish a traditional altar missal in chamicuro language, for liturgical use, you might be a progressive Christian.

If you are both vegan and able to give a sermon about the miraculous draught of fishes, you might be a progressive Christian.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Lemme guess - You're vegetarian?

Marcus said...

If you don't think the various definitions of the word "right" are interchangeable.........

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Perfect, Marcus.

Kristen said...

You just really can't listen to your local Christian radio station anymore because you realized that its just the old ideas fancied up in new clothes!