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Saturday, May 02, 2009

Where to live after retirement

I have many miles to go before I retire, but a girl can dream, can't she?

(Hat tip to Doug, who has GOT to be closer to retirement than moi;~>)

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can 't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


motheramelia said...

All of the stuff about Maine is true except that tabasco is far too spicy. Worcestershire Sauce is more like it.

ROBERTA said...

those were hilarious - especially loved arizona's toilet condensation and florida's headless drivers.

Priscilla said...

You got Florida about right too -- our seasons, though nominally "wet" and "dry" are more accurately described as "snow birds are here" and "snow birds are gone".

When the snow birds are here, expect drivers to go no faster than 10-15 mph in any speed zone, while they search for the restaurants they eat out at all day or the doctor's offices they haunt.

Also expect sudden right-hand turns from far left lanes and lots of stopping in the middle of the street while they figure out where they are and where they should have turned and with no regard to other drivers and disdain for the yearlong residents.

Then there is the fun of trying to navigate around them in the stores, where they will stop and block the aisles with their carts while they catch up on the past year's news with their seasonal neighbors and get quite huffy if you point out that no one can get around them while they jaw on and on.

In the wet (snow birds are gone) season, it will cloud up and storm violently for an hour in the afternoon every day and then get scorchingly hot and dry again an hour later. But the winter sun (which draws the snow birds down here) is irreplaceable to anyone who has endured the gray skies and bare trees of a northern winter one too many times.

I try to overlook the Confederate flags the crackers proudly display, the feral youth who would be offended if anyone suggested that public drinking, screaming, and brawling isn't a natural part of every weekend and summer night and the wealthy retirees who drive the cost of everything through the roof with their self-indulgence and, already having theirs, vote against and defeat any and every measure designed to help those under the age of 70.

The beaches are divine, the flora and fauna breathtaking, the weather pleasant -- its the people that ruin it all, LOL.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

I wish I could take credit as the author but, alas, I can't even credit the author. Doug sent them.

Paul said...

As one born in California and who lived there my first sixty years, I can affirm that all distances are measured in driving time. Distance is meaningless.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

Of course in Missouri, the four seasons are Winter, Mud, Mosquito, and Under Construction...which is why the state bird is the mosquito, and the state flower is the orange traffic barrel...

Jim said...

In Chicago our seasons are primary, election, investigation and trial. Instead of New Years, we have sentencing.


KJ said...

OR, you could live in Washington State where...

1. The use of an umbrella is an affectation.
2. If it doesn't have snow on it for much of the year, it's not a real mountain.
3. The availability of a 'wet side" and a "dry side" keeps everybody happy.
4. Cedar is a tree and not a person's name.
5. You know the difference between rain with showers and showers with rain.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Thanks for the giggles, Kirke, Paul, Jim and KJ. Very funny stuff.

Kirkepiscatoid said...

To also tag team on Paul's, I am unable to give directions in either miles or driving time. It's all landmarks.

IT said...

California: spot on, except that you CAN buy a house with less than a $250K income (trust me, as an academic, I ain't never gonna make 250K, and I do own a house.....)

susankay said...

From Mancos, CO -- your stuff is spot on. And our seasons are: Rain/mud, sunny & warm, snow, wind & dust -- and that was just yesterday -- honest!

Mary Sue said...

I can unequivocably say that you can be named Mary Sue by being born in California!