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Sunday, September 06, 2009

Divinity School Application for Liberals

Don’t laugh too hard.

I found this over at Home Brewed Christianity, along with some other really great articles, including this one in which LeRon Shults, of the Emerging Church movement asks the question, “Should affluent white men be ordained?”.

Or, this one by Deacon Hall: "Defining the Secular: A Public Voice for the Church in a Post-Christian Century." That piece had its inspiration from this quote from Rep. Rangel (NY): “I am surprised our churches, synagogues, and mosques are not speaking for our poor and those working without health care.”

I've appended below a brilliant farce by Tripp Fuller which feeds into all of the stereotypes the Radical Right Fringe Fundamentalist Evangelicals ('Fundgelicals') has of Liberals (and Progressives).

Of course, the thing about stereotypes is that there is a kernel of truth in there somewhere which gets exaggerated to a ridiculous degree.

The exaggeration of that kernel of truth is simultaneously infuriating (because some people will believe the kernel of truth as the whole truth and use it in harmful ways) and hysterically funny (if you don't take yourself - or the ridiculous exaggeration passing as truth too seriously).

I mean, if this had been written by a 'Fundgelical' it wouldn't be funny. But, the truth is that it could never have been written by a 'Fundgelical' because we all know that because they are so highly influenced by Calvin and Stott, they can not be this witty, much less have a sense of humor.

See what I mean about stereotypes?

Anyway, this satire made me laugh right out loud - so, please put down any liquid before you begin to read this or you may damage your computer screen.

Oh, and check your tickle bone to make sure it's in good working order.

Divinity School Application for Liberals

Beginning term: [_] Fall [_] Spring [_] Summer ___ [_] Other?

Indoctrination: [_] Master of Divinity [_] M.Div./MA Counseling [_] M.Div./JD

[_] M.Div./MBA [_] Certificate Health and Spirituality [_] PhD [_] DMin [_] Exploratory

Personal Information

Imposed Name: ____________ Patriarchal Name: _________________

Real Name: ____________

Are you a citizen of the American Empire: ______ Why:_________________

Where the Federales Deliver Your Documents___________________________

Phone: (home) ______________ (cell ______________ Email:_________________

Blog:_________________________ Facebook:___________________ Twitter:_______

Institutions of Past Indoctrination and / or Liberation


School: ___________________________________ Location: _________________

Years Attended: _______

Degree: Yes / Not a meaningful concept.

Major(s): __________________ GPA? ____

List all the good you did, including marches, protests, speeches, and sticking it to the man: _______________________________________________________

Ever suspended, dismissed, or arrested? Yes / hell yes / not yet

List all other schools through which you passed on your pilgrimage to your true self:

School: ___________________________________ Location: _________________

Years Attended: _______

School: ___________________________________ Location: _________________

Years Attended: _______

Specialized Training or Skills, especially in useful areas (organic horticulture, interpretative dance, deconstruction of metanarratives, making tea, guitar, etc.)


Perceived experiences of what some term “work”:

What did you do?

Who paid the bills?

How did this make the world a better place?

How did you grow as a person?

Meaningful relationships?

Please provide a journal or other artistic expression of your engagement in the world.

Demographic Information (so the government knows how much money to give you)

My ancestors were oppressed by Europeans by

[_] being taken from Africa in slavery [_] Spanish colonization of the “New World” [_]colonization of Asia [_] conquest of the Pacific Islands [_] English colonization of the “New World” [_] economic exploitation of globalization OR [_] I have benefited from the exploitation of other peoples (I’m white, but overcoming)

Gender: M/F/L/G/B/T/Q [_] Other________

Political Affiliation:

[_] Democratic Party [_] Green Party [_] Freedom Socialist Party [_] Labor Party [_] Peace and Freedom Party

Involvement in Church?

[_] spiritual not religious [_] worship the goddess within [_] worship the earth

[_] oldline liberal [_] evangelical (I like the music and the gym) [_] Episcopal

What else would you like to share with us?

Did you violate any of the arbitrary norms of bourgeois society and experience confinement? Are you likely to? Are you sure? Will you be cool dealing folks who aren’t like you? Do the authorities have records of your perceived misdeeds?

Please provide us with the names of people who will write a letter telling us how wonderful you are – even though we all know it’s propaganda.

Name:_____________________________ Relationship: _________________________

Name:_____________________________ Relationship: _________________________

Will you be willing to attend most classes and do some of the reading? _________

How did you hear about our community of seekers?

[_] drugs [_] friends [_] online

[_] at the health food co-op [_] from those engaged in justice work

[_] at the coffee shop

I certify that all the information provided on this application, any attached paperwork, and the attached essays are accurate and truthful even though we all know that truth is a relative term that supports the entrenched power of elite institutions and contributes to the oppression of peoples everywhere.

Signature: _____________________________________

Date: _______________


Tripp said...

thanks for the link love.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

It's a brilliant piece, Tripp and a GREAT blog. I'm so glad I stumbled onto it. I've become a huge fan.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a great laugh to jump start the day.

Annie said...

This is even funnier since I'm in the process of completing my own application to a fairly liberal seminary! Enjoyed it thoroughly. Thanks for the chuckle.