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Thursday, December 04, 2008

Top Ten Reasons to Start Your Own Non-Geographical 'Anglican' Province


As my homage to David Letterman, here are the

Top 10 Reasons to Start Your Own
Non-Geographical 'Anglican' Province (or, 'Something')

10. Frequent travel to warmer, more exotic climes: The Southern Cone, Africa, etc.

9. Evangelicals get to triumph the 39 Articles and Anglo-Catholics get to ignore most of the 39 Articles and everyone else doesn’t really care as long as there are no LGBT people around or women leading worship (neither of which is mentioned in the 39 Articles).

8. You get to pray with your own prayer book – or not – and in your own way: standing up with your arms raised; or head bowed and on your knees; or with prayer beads in hand; or, while listening to traditional hymns played on an organ or contemporary songs accompanied by a praise band.

7. Never any confusion or need to consider the ‘real meaning’ of scripture – a male, orthodox priest, bishop or primate will tell you what it means.

6. You know the ‘Way, Truth and life of Jesus’ and no one else does, and you don’t have to share it with anyone unless they agree to sign the Jerusalem Statement.

5. You have sole ownership of the ‘faith first delivered to the saints’.

4. No yucky female bishops or primates thinking they can tell you what to do – female priests in the former Diocese of Pittsburgh, however, are in impaired communion with the former Bishop of Fort Worth (but the male priests, apparently, are not).

3. No LGBT people in the pews or in vestments, unless they are healed and celibate and tithing – and even then . . . . .

2. You can really believe that Jesus loves you best, even if the Archbishop of Canterbury doesn’t.


And, the number one reason to start your own non-geographical Anglican province:

1. The folks over at TEC will always leave the porch light on so you can find your way back home.



8 comments:

James said...

No. 3 ... add "in the closet" to the list of ways GLBT persons can participate. Better still, line the closet with yards and yards of damask and tassels and fringe.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Right you are, James.

Hopper said...

I've never been one to preach to the choir ... well not on a regular basis ... so somehow I ended up as one of the few liberals frequenting -- "haunting" some might call it -- Titus 1:9. Of course, there are times I really need a friendly place to rest for a moment and to take a breath of fresh air.

Thank you for being here. The countdown provided a much needed break.

And now ... back to work ... under the same name, of course ... where being called "one of 'those' old reappraisers" will be about the nicest thing I hear.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Well, Hopper, it's a tough job but someone's gotta do it.

Come back any time when you need to take off your asbestos shoes and kevlar vest and rest a while.

padretom said...

Plus you get to wear your handy, dandy, one of a kind "I Like Iker" lapel pin. Purchase two now and we'll send you a free Gideon bible in the King James version, the original inspired word of God!

The Pilgrim said...

"1. The folks over at TEC will always leave the porch light on so you can find your way back home."

Oh, please don't bother.

First of all we won't avail ourselves, and secondly, with those new budget figures and ASA numbers just out, you really can't afford to waste the electricity.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Oh, my, Pilgrim. We are sounding a bit snarky today. Might this have to do with the fact that Ruth Gledhill is reporting that nothing - No. Thing. - happened when the GAFCON bishops met with +++Rowan.

Oh, dear! The new non-geographical province doesn't have a legitimate birth certificate.

I guess I'd be snarky, too.

It's worth the money to keep the porch light on for the thousands that will eventually find their way back home. I won't be expecting you, Pilgrim, but you know what they say: 'Never say never.'

Ellie Finlay said...

Really excellent.

I particularly like what you said about the 39 Articles. As one who has actually studied them with some care, I keep wondering why the "conservatives" seem so eager to ignore Article 26. That one has brought me much consolation throughout my life! (Both with regard to my own ministry and to other people's.)