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Monday, April 28, 2008

Fly Qantas

At least, that's the advice I got from Doug . . .along with this:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one, a reassurance for those who fly routinely.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Brian R said...

Love it although not new to me but as an Aussie (currently in Switzerland) you have spelt Qantas correctly throughout but the heading jars (no U please) Began as Queensland And Northern Territory Air Service now of course flies round the world.

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

How embarrassing. Just hate those late night gremlins. Well then, it's now corrected. Thanks.

emmy said...

I'm dying over here! Thank you! I needed that!

Ellie Finlay said...

I've read these several times before but I always laugh out loud each time I see them again. They're WONDERFUL! Thank you for posting these.

susankay said...

I am SO sorry that Qantas doesn't fly into Mancos, CO (or Durango or Albuquerque, NM) I want to be on that airline. Thank you, Ma'am.