Fly Qantas

At least, that's the advice I got from Doug . . .along with this:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one, a reassurance for those who fly routinely.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*************
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

**************
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

**************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

**************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

**************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

**************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

***************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

***************
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

***************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

***************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

***************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

**************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

***************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

***************
And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.