Keep the 'elf' in 'self'

When I was getting ready to go off to seminary, my rector gave me the best piece of advice which has stayed with me all these many years later.

He said, "You really have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Which is probably a good thing. When things get tough - and they will get tough - try to remember this: "Keep the 'elf' in 'self'."

My bishop said a very similar thing. He gave me something to hang on my wall. It was made of cloth and held together by a piece of wood at the top and at the bottom. There was a very colorful rainbow stenciled on the top, and these words stenciled across the bottom:

"If you are being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade."

I got the message. When in ordained ministry - especially as leader of a community of faith - a sense of humor is probably the most important thing you can have in your back pocket.

They were both right. Even though I had been around the church for most of my life, when I began my seminary career, I was terribly naive about the institutional church. Surprisingly so.

Which, as my rector said, was probably a good thing.

If I knew then what I know now. . . well, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Nor would I have learned half the things I know and have become half the person I am today.

In anticipation of my time as Proctor Fellow (or, 'Scholar', as they are apparently calling it now), I've been thinking about the questions seminarians might ask of me. That has lead me to think about the questions I had when I was first in seminary which followed me until I was just about to graduate and be ordained.

Actually, the 'burning issue' at that time was the ordination of women. When I entered seminary, it had only been seven years since the church had made canonical revisions to allow women to be "regularly" ordained.

Indeed, I was the fifth and the last woman my bishop ordained to the priesthood before he retired. Mind you, he had voted against the ordination of women and made impassioned speeches against such "theological innovations" on the floor of the House of Bishops.

Just as we were - or were not - making the adjustment to "the new" (1979) prayer book, and the presence of women at the altar, the AIDS crisis hit.

I still have my button that says, "Our church has AIDS."  It was a scandalous statement to have made at that time. 

I clearly remember Ms. Conroy raising her voice to me - which she rarely does (I'm much more often the culprit) - about my resume and CDO Profile. I had included both my work with Integrity as well as my work with the Boston Ecumenical AIDS Task Force.

Please Note: it was a 'Task Force'. As if we had a task to do and, when it was all over, we could all go back to 'normal' again. Guess I wasn't the only one who was naive, eh?

She begged me to remove those two references from my resume. "You're one of the first 100 women to be ordained in the church. You'll have a hard enough time getting called anywhere. For goodness sake, don't wave the 'lesbian' and the 'gay' flag when you've already got a red flag on the playing field."

In one of the rare times when I have not taken her advice, I kept it in.

We laugh about it now. It wasn't funny, then.

Here's the burning question I remember asking, and how I would answer today, twenty-five years later. Since I'm a woman,  and the time being what it was, I asked every male and female, lay and ordained:

What advice would you give to a newly ordained woman in ministry?

The following will probably appeal mostly to women, but I think there are enough corollaries to keep a male audience attentive.

First thing: Understand and accept - right now - that you will be watched CAREFULLY. Everything you do. Everything you say - and lots of things you didn't. Everything you wear.

So, first: women, get yourself a good bra.

I'm serious.

There's nothing more distracting than to watch a woman preside at Eucharist and begin the Sursum Corda ". . . .Lift up your hearts . . ." while she adjusts the straps on her bra. I have seen this happen too often not to say something.

And men - whether you wear tighty-whiteys or boxers, make sure you "adjust" yourself before you leave the sacristy. The altar will not hide what you are doing. We see you. We know. And, it's not a pretty picture.

People will watch every movement you make. Indeed, Ms. Conroy once said to me, "We see you, you know. We know when you are 'counting us'. Stop it. Lead us in prayer."

Easy for her to say.

If you're going to wear lipstick - I do, otherwise people ask me if I'm okay - make sure you blot it carefully before you put on your alb and certainly before you leave the sacristy. The 'old school' Directoresses of Altar Guilds are still out there - no matter how old or young they are - and they won't hesitate to place a big pile of lipstick-stained purificators in your mail cubby with a sweet little note that says, "You stained them. You clean them."

By the same token, I know one male priest who was given a box of colored handkerchiefs by the Altar Guild Directoress after a few parishioners had falsely accused him of using the purificators to blow his nose. True story.

Develop your own style of dress. Wear what you want, not what you think is expected of you - except, of course, in those situations like funerals where you want to be formal and respectful. You don't want the attention on you but on what's happening in the liturgy.

It's not about you. It's about who you represent.

When I learned that a few of the older folks at the 8 AM service were distracted at Eucharist by my red nail polish, I stopped wearing colored nail polish, unless I'm on vacation. It's a small sacrifice I'm willing to make.

I know some women who take off their rings before presiding at Eucharist because they don't want to be a distraction. That's fine. I don't. Won't. Just me. You'll figure out for yourself what works for you.

Here's a pet peeve - clergy who wear blue tooth phones on their ear or have their cell phones in their pocket. I actually know of one clergy person who wears her blue tooth - in procession and during the service - and has been known to have phone conversations while doing ablutions.

This is as directive as I'm ever going to get: Don't. Do. That. Ever. Okay?

Long, dangling earrings are fine, but they do tend to make an annoying sound as they hit your plastic clerical collar. To each her own, but don't say I didn't tell you.

Bottom line: dress like the person you are. Know that, whether or not you intend it, what you wear makes a statement about who you are and what you think of your ministry.

It also says something about authority - which is another subject for another time, but it's more important than you know.

Personally, nothing makes me cringe faster than seeing a woman in a black pants suit with a clergy shirt and a 'Roman' tab-style collar, but if that's who you are, then bet the absolute best at it. If it's authentic, ultimately, it will carry the day and people will come to accept that.

Or, not.

If you are true to yourself, at the end of the day if you can still look in the mirror and like what you see, it won't really matter much.

I've been accused of dressing like a "crunchy-granola Earth-mother". I've also been described as being a "gay man in drag". I don't think I look like either, but that's not the point. That's how some perceive me. I've learned that, ultimately, it tells me something more about them than it does me.

By the way, I still have the pair of black penny loafers which Ms. Conroy bought for me as an ordination present. She got them as a wee bit of a joke because, at one point, I fretted that I wouldn't be taken seriously unless I wore what seemed to be the "standard" for Episcopal clergy.

The loafers are still in excellent shape, twenty-five years later, which tells the story of how infrequently I've actually worn them.

One quick story: As I was preparing to head back to Maine for my "candidacy hearings" - yes, that's what they called them in those days - I ran into Sue Hiatt, one of my professors who was also one of the Philadelphia Eleven. She noted my anxiety and asked what was going on.

Perhaps it was because, in retrospect, a silly question to ask - or, perhaps it was because Sue was somewhat renowned for being a rather 'dowdy' dresser that she was surprised by my one question: "What should I wear?"

Always kind and gentle with a marvelous subtle sense of humor, she chuckled and said, "Well, don't wear a wool plaid skirt, a button down shirt and a cardigan sweater, or argyle knee socks and penny loafers." Which was exactly what she had on at the moment.

After we laughed, she said, "Dress like a priest - your understanding of who a priest is and what a priest is and what a priest does - without the collar. Let them see you. Let them see the priest in you."

She was great. I miss her, so. Somehow, being back on campus won't be the same without her gentle but strong presence.

It was Sue who told me about HALT. Do not make a decision or respond to anyone when you're Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. HALT. It sounds trite, but it is good advice.

Remember that while a priest has "life tenure" in parochial ministry, you are not necessarily called to a community for life. You are called to lead a congregation at a particular point in their life cycle, to use the skills and talents God has given you to build on what your predecessor has done and to take the community to the next place they need to be in their community faith life."

It's important to recall the words from that song, "The Gambler": You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. You never count your money while you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin', when the deal is done."

And, if you do have to run, remember the words of my ordaining bishop and "get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade."

I've blogged on his advice before, but it bears repeating what he said about priesthood: "

A priest is, first and foremost, a Christian, and a Christian is, first and foremost, a grateful person. The life and witness, the ministry and mission of a priest is to be an outward and visible sign and symbol of a grateful heart - whose life is a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving for all God has done."

"Once you understand your priesthood - whether or not you are ordained - you are also compelled, when required, to be a prophet and a pastor. Ordained priests dedicate their lives to being a manifestation - a living epiphany - of a Eucharistic life of the sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving."

Probably the best advice I got came from Katie Sherrod. It was at another time and in a different circumstance, but it was so good, I printed it out and still have it hanging above my desk here at Llangollen:

"Tell them the truth as you always have, hold fast to what you know of love, and live as if the church were really what it says it is.

Be safe. Take care of yourself. Try to have regular massages.

Be with people you love as often as you can.

Ignore the small-minded, the sleek and the petty.

Stoke furry animals who love you.

Keep fresh flowers around.

And, remember, before every human being go 10,000 angels crying, "Make way for the image of God."

Which brings me to another point: find an "escape hatch". Someone to whom you can address your questions and concerns - no matter how seemingly insignificant. Maybe a few someones who are not part of your community of faith.

I don't know what I would have done, over the years, without an Anam Cara (my Spiritual Director), a therapist, a clergy support group, a parochial supervisor, a massage therapist, and a group of friends who really don't care as much about the institutional church as they do our friendship.

An "escape hatch" can also be a place you can go to in order to connect with your core again. Maybe it's the quiet of a chapel, or a place in the woods or by the ocean or in the desert. Maybe it's your bedroom or in your car, where you can roll up the windows, turn up the heat or AC, and sing your favorite songs at the top of your voice as you drive absolutely nowhere.

An escape hatch is a place where you can let it all go. Because, if you hold onto half the stuff that comes at you in the ordinary course of ministry - from the pew to the purple shirts - it will drive you absolutely 'round the bend.

It's okay to get angry. It's what you do with the anger that's important. Anger is a secondary emotion. It's always in reaction or response to something that's really important to you - something in your past or something in your present.

If you can visualize anger as a large rock, in your mind's eye pick it up and look under it. You'll probably find something that's very, very important. Deal with that first before you attend to the problem which mad you so angry in the first place.

Having said that, it's also important to cut yourself some slack. You're not always going to be able to do that. It's not bad, once in a while, to growl. Even Mama animals do that with their cubs. It's sometimes important to let folks know that they've crossed a line - and, that you're human, too.

Oh, some will never forgive you for that - for being human - but, as my Grandmother used to say, "That's on their soul, not yours."

A spiritual director once told me that some people are like "Divine Sandpaper." They are people God sends into your life specifically to "rub you the wrong way".

She said, "How else would you be able to get rid of all the layers of protection you've built up over the years of developing a 'thick skin' and find your 'natural grain'? How else would you be able to shine with your own natural glow?"

Even so, in the process of being "worked over" and "sanded down", you'll need to scream, occasionally, and let it all go.

When you do let it all go, I hope you'll be able to see what is at your core - who is at your core - who has been there with you, all along.

Laughing with you as you roll your eyes and blot your lipstick and adjust your bra strap before leaving the sacristy to preside at Holy Eucharist.

Weeping with you when someone hurts your feelings with a thoughtless, careless, mean-spirited comment and helping you to see that this person was trying to tell you something, not so much about yourself, but about how hurt s/he feels inside. Maybe if s/he hurts you, you'll know just how much s/he's hurting.

Inspiring you to take creative risks for the gospel - or simply trying to help a congregation grow and deepen and move along in their faith development - even when your leadership thinks you're being "insensitive to the needs of some of the older members" or "not understanding the community you serve."

Helping you to move away from looking for someone to "save" you - the bishop, your senior warden, your spouse, or, God forbid, alcohol or food or other substances that change your perception of who is really in charge and the different nature of spiritual and institutional authority.

If you keep Jesus at the center of your life - ordained and private - you'll not only be an effective priest, you'll be an effective Christian.

One theology of priesthood holds that you are ordained to be an "alter Christus" - another Christ re-presentative - at the altar and in the pulpit, in the sacristy and the vestry room, at the bedside and in the nursing home, and anywhere you go with anyone you may or may not know.

Here's the great mystery of priesthood: You can't be that "alter Christus" unless you are authentically yourself.

You are ordained to hold up the 'ordinances' of the church, but you were baptized first to "grow into the full stature of Christ". Don't ever forget that. Probably more important than hanging your ordination certificate on your office wall is to keep your baptismal certificate clearly visible.

There's more stuff - practical, pragmatic stuff about administration and management of staff, etc., but that's where I begin - with the mundane and miniscule things which, if you don't pay attention to them, can loom large and trip you up when you least expect it.

Unless, of course, you keep the 'elf' in self.

And, be grateful.

EDS: Why, yes, you can go home.

Stained glass window, Tyler Reading Room, EDS.

In the midst of all that is going on, locally and nationally, I have been getting ready to begin the Proctor Fellowship at The Episcopal Divinity School in Cambridge, MA for the Spring Semester, 2011.

The weather has conspired to change my original time line, which has been moved up a day. So, now it's 8 days and counting. One week plus one day. Today. So, one week from tomorrow, I will be moving into my apartment on campus.

Who, me? Excited? However did you guess?

It's been 25 years since I graduated from EDS. Twenty. Five. Years. !!!!!

I know it's cliche but I can honestly say that I don't know where the time has gone. As long as I'm sojourning here for a moment in the Land of Cliche, let me just say that the time has simply flown by.

"Time like an ever rolling stream bears all her sons (and daughters) away. They fly, forgotten, as a dream dies at the opening day."

Well, I've not forgotten. And, I am delighted that EDS has taken the time to remember me. I'm even more delighted that they have not let the dream of excellent theological education die after I flew away to other Vineyards of the Lord to apply the things I learned there.

Wasn't it just yesterday that I was sitting in the refectory (now, called a cafeteria - sigh!), having conversations with the Proctor Fellow who was there when I was a bright-eyed, all full-of-myself seminarian?

I used to think I had all the answers to life's problems. Now, I'm much more interested in the questions of life's problems. That's because I have discovered that life's problems are not about finding answers. It's what Rilke said about being faithful to living the question.

I think I get that, now.

I remember "my" Proctor Fellow being a chap from Australia who was "particularly interested," he said - in the language of the academy where one is, of course, supposed to be interested in everything but having "particular" interests - in Christology.

I'm hoping to enroll in Patrick Cheng's course on "Contemporary Christologies" and either Bill Kondrath's "Creativity, Change and Conflict" or Ed Rodman's "Liberation Preaching". Actually, I've known Ed for years and, in my experience, just about everything that comes out of his mouth is a sermon about liberation. I'd pay solid money just for the privilege of sitting at his feet and listening to him talk.

Then again, Kwok Pui Lan's, "Spirituality for the Contemporary World" is very attractive to me, knowing, as I do, of her work. She's simply brilliant. "Prophets and Evangelists" also looks very interesting, but the course catalog doesn't yet list a faculty person.

There are also two courses at Harvard - just a 15 minute walk from my apartment - that I'm considering, which I can take through EDS's membership in the BTI (Boston Theological Institute).

I will want to take a look at all the required readings for each of the courses, which will tell me a great deal more about what I can expect.

I'm sure to learn more when I get there next week. Eight days from today. One week from tomorrow. But, who's counting?

As I read over the courses being offered this semester, I feel like a hungry person in front of a banquet table. I want to run wildly into all of the courses listed in the catalog and grab great handfuls of everything.

If asked, I guess I would have to say that I have a "particular interest" in the course "Contemporary Christologies". It's no secret that I love Jesus and I'm keenly interested in ways to talk about The Risen Christ with a generation that knows him, for the most part, only in the extremes.

Either he's the "Jeee-sssusss" of the Fundamental/Pentecostal/Evangelicals who casts out demon spirits of disease (and "dis-eases" like homosexuality) and magically answers prayers, but only those of "the righteous" - Or - His name is sung or chanted softly and mysteriously among billowing clouds of incense and contained within a round, tasteless wafer and a chalice of bad tasting wine.

No wonder people are either confused or anxious about Jesus. Our leaders are, too. Hence, I suspect, there's at least some "creativity, change and conflict" in Christian community.

I don't hear a lot of preaching about Jesus in Episcopal Churches. Oh, I hear a great deal of God-talk and a fair amount about the Holy Spirit, but not a great deal about Jesus, except in exigetical terms, wherein the situation of the gospel story is reviewed and critiqued.

More than one preacher I've listened to never mentions His name in a sermon. I've heard certain priests preach on the Hebrew Scripture, the Psalm and even the Collect of the day, with maybe - maybe - a passing reference to "today's scripture". But, not once have I heard from these clergy a sermon on the Gospel for the day, and certainly never a mention of the name of Jesus from the pulpit.

I can't say what's going on in pulpits of other Christian denominations - my experience is pretty much limited to Episcopal churches in the Northeast - but I find myself feeling a vague but growing sense of discomfort about what is beginning to feel like a trend or a style in preaching.

Sermons are beginning to feel more like a "reflection" I might read in a book or a religious magazine, or a "talk" I could hear in a Unitarian Universalist Church.

Not that there's a thing in the world wrong with either, God knows.

I once heard Dominic Crossan - at a Kellogg Lecture, in fact, at EDS a few years ago - slap his head and say, "It's a parable, stupid." He was saying that, when Jesus spoke, he was preaching a parable about the Torah, the scriptures of his day. Crossan's point was that most of the gospels are parables about Jesus that were written by his disciples - a sermon on the sermons of Jesus.

I think all good sermons do that. They answer the question that has been hijacked by the Evangelicals: "What would Jesus do?" They answer the question that is in the hearts of many in the pews: "Where can we find - where can we see Jesus - today? In our world? In our time?"

A good preacher will take the message of Jesus and His disciples in the scripture and preach modern parables. They not only have to be more than just a "nice reflection," but it has to challenge the listeners to some kind of action - even if only by raising provocative questions.

"Faith, if it hath not works is dead." James 2:17. Or, in the Canon P.D. Quirk translation of the KJV: "Do not leteth the grace grow under thy feet."

That message/sermon has to come from a place of truth in the preacher, or the congregation will sniff it out in less than a heart beat, and the preacher will not have any credibility.

Which is probably why Jesus said, over and over and over again, "Be not afraid." It's what every heavenly messenger says before s/he opens her mouth to tell you what God is about to ask of you.

It is a fearsome thing - something that still, after 25 years, causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble - to be an "alter Christus" in the pulpit or at the altar. One of the first pulpits I preached in - at Christ Church, Hyde Park, MA - had a small brass plaque attached to the stand where the preacher places her manuscript. It said, simply, "Sir, we wish to see Jesus. John 12:21".

That, I think, is what people really hunger for. To see Jesus. The Rabbi. Our Great High Priest. The One who has come to show us The Way to feed ourselves and each other "from the riches of His grace and strengthen (us) to glorify God in this life and the life to come". (BCP 531)

If we do not break open The Word as we do The Bread, how will the people of Word and Sacrament be nourished and fed?

I'm just wondering out loud here if part of the reason the church is in decline is that we've lost our center. Which, for my money anyway, is Jesus.

If we don't talk about Him, if we don't listen for and preach a relevant message about Jesus for God's people in today's world... well...how is it that we are to bring His mission into the world and "restore all people to unity with God and each other in Christ"? (BCP 855)

Yes, personal piety is important - which is what I hear in the messages of most sermons - but it's the corporate nature of Christianity that is critically important for today's increasingly isolated world. I'm feeling, in these sermons, that something is a bit out of balance between the two.

Perhaps, in The Episcopal Church, anyway, it is a reaction to the evangelical seizure, capture and hostage-taking of Jesus, the ransom for which is the transformation of all of our images of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit (Ghost) into "their" images, and the conversion of the self into the ideal image that "they" have for us.

Their rules. No exceptions.

We don't want to be like "them", God knows - we of the most democratic religion in all of Western Christendom, who rest the theological foundations of our faith on the three-legged stool of scripture, tradition and reason.

We who are part of the "roomiest room" of all religions have heard far too many doors slam and lock shut as evangelicals and conservative "orthodox" alike hang signs on them that say "Boys Only" or "No homosexuals" or "Only really, really clean souls allowed".

In any event, I'm keenly interested in how to speak of Jesus in a contemporary world. Actually, I think I always have been. I'm still learning, thanks to the intellectual curiosity and quest for life-long learning which was instilled and nurtured in me at EDS.

I suspect the way to do that is to first listen to what is being said in a course like "Contemporary Christologies" so that I can learn the language and images and metaphors of the next generation.

I'm looking forward to keeping my mouth shut and my ears and eyes open. Well, in class, mostly (I can hear you giggling. Some of you know me too well.). I am also looking forward to conversations with seminarians and faculty in the refectory and classrooms and hallways.

I've been thinking, some, about how I might respond to some of the very questions I asked - in my time as a seminarian at EDS - of the Proctor Fellow and other visiting clergy who would stop by the seminary or audit some of the classes with us. What will I say when some of those questions - or ones I haven't yet anticipated - are asked of me?

I actually walk around the house and jot stuff down. I love that I have a voice memo 'app' on my iPhone which I use when an idea comes to me in the car.

I am collecting some of my thoughts, for another post at another time.

Right now, my energies are consumed by the excitement and anticipation of going back "home". To one of my spiritual "homes". To one of the places that nurtured me and fed me and gave me the foundation for 25 years of most an amazing priesthood.

Yes, you can go home. It won't be the same. I know. I'm looking forward to giving back a little of what I took from what EDS so generously offered.

Because, well, it's home. It's one of the places where I was empowered and equipped to do the work of the Jesus I know and love. It's where a piece of the heart of this priest is and will always be.

I am so very, deeply, profoundly grateful.

Dear Anonymous

My post yesterday about the tragic events that transpired in Tucson on Saturday and some of the comments I have received from you provided all I really need to know about the vitriol and violent rhetoric that has dominated our cultural discourse.

You have dismissed me with remarks that attempt to make me feel that my opinions were at best uninformed at at the very least.... oh, what's the word you used?... ah, yes...."stupid".

You have chided me with statements that want me to believe that somehow I am not "tough enough" to take the reality of our world. That, if I just "walk it off" and "rub some dirt in it," I'll be able to play the game with the big boys.

You have questioned my intelligence, my theology and my sanity.

You continue to repeat your belief that "Never Retreat. Reload" is not a violent statement, apparently oblivious to the fact that repeating an untruth at ever increasing decibels does not make it true.

You can't understand how I can look at Sarah Palin's web page and see a target over the twenty districts that voted for Health Care Reform while even a blind fool can see that it's a surveyor's symbol - despite the fact that Palin's language on that page includes words like "salvo" and "fight".

You become absolutely enraged when I simply can't understand that the vitriol and violent rhetoric comes from the Left, too, even though I can show you fifty examples from the Right for every one that comes from the Left.

You don't want to hear that. You seem so desperate to defend your right to Free Speech that you can't hear my right to express my opinion and perspective which differ from yours. Which is really what the First Amendment is all about - not the right to say absolutely anything you want, even when that fans the flames of anger or, in the case of that poor, delusional soul who shot all those people in Tucson, pushes people who are emotionally and psychologically fragile deeper into the darkness of their mental illness.

You don't want to hear that there are consequences - often tragic consequences - for violent, vitriolic language and we have to hold ourselves, and others, accountable for those consequences.

Oh, and to the person who told me that I ought to "shut my filthy lesbian mouth" and that all I needed was to have you come and show me "what a real man is all about" - you have been blocked from my email and blog. I have also reported you to Google and Blogger, with a copy of your post to me.

That won't change you or your opinions - that's really not my goal, anyway - but it made be feel a bit safer.

So, as Joe Biden would say, here's the deal.

First, I want you to read the Comment Code of Conduct which appears above the box where you leave your comments. I borrowed it from (and attributed it to) Sojourners. I'll reproduce it here - just in case you missed it:

I will express myself with civility, courtesy, and respect for every member of this online community, especially toward those with whom I disagree—even if I feel disrespected by them. (Romans 12:17-21)

I will express my disagreements with other community members' ideas without insulting, mocking, or slandering them personally. (Matthew 5:22)

I will not exaggerate others' beliefs nor make unfounded prejudicial assumptions based on labels, categories, or stereotypes. I will always extend the benefit of the doubt. (Ephesians 4:29)

I understand that comments reported as abusive are reviewed by the Blog Owner and are subject to removal. Repeat offenders will be blocked from making further comments. (Proverbs 18:7)

If you can't abide by this code, don't bother to leave a comment. If you do anyway, I will not publishing your post. Indeed, you should know that it gives me great delight to hit "delete" before I get past the second or third sentence of your post.

If you continue, I will block you and forward your comments to Google and Blogger with a formal complaint.

If you have a difficult truth to tell and are unable to leave your identity, I understand completely and I appreciate your contribution to the conversation. However, I ask that you abide by the Code of Conduct.

If you leave a questionable comment and I can't trace your identity, I will not post your comment.

In conclusion, I urge you to read "Surely Some Revelation Is at Hand" by Steve Almond, which, from my perspective, is the best I've read on this terrible tragedy.

Here's part of his analysis, which is startling in its clarity:

It has nothing to do with politics. It has to do with the capacity for moral self-reflection. What happens when a large and well-armed portion of our citizenry can no longer apologize? When humility becomes another form of humiliation? Their heroes exhort them: Never retreat. Reload.

The young man with the gun, in a final note to friends, put it like this:

"Please don’t be mad at me… I cannot rest"

He seemed to recognize that he was going to do wrong. But he couldn’t stop himself.

He was not merely following orders. He was attempting to construct a world in which it was bearable to live. When this became impossible, he sought to die for a noble cause.

Here's the quote I want to highlight, because it resonates with my experience of your words to me:

"The more hysterical reactions will come from those who feel themselves implicated, who fear the great con of their professions exposed. They will react with absurd rituals of denial, as if, after all their violent agitation, they are the ones being fired upon, the victims of some vast and unending conspiracy."

I wish you well, dear Anonymous. I wish you peace - that peace of God which passes all understanding.

I trust you will join me in prayers for all the victims in Tucson, for all those who died, for all those who grieve their loss, for the residents of Tucson, as well as for this nation.

Oh, I'll keep writing my opinions which express my particular perspective. You haven't stopped me. But, since we won't be talking again this is goodbye.

You may not have left your name, but I know it. We all do.

Your name is Legion.

It's not the bottom, its the gap

Six people are dead, including a Federal Judge, a nine year old girl and a 79 year old woman. It has been reported that as many as 20 people were shot, fourteen of them are critically wounded - including Representative Gabrielle Giffords.

It happened outside a supermarket in Tucson, Arizona on a crisp, clear Saturday morning. A motive for the shooting has yet to have been determined. The shooter is said to have been a "deranged young man" who acted alone.

Everyone on both sides of the aisle is, of course, decrying the senseless violence. Republicans are scrambling to distance themselves from the folks on the fringe while some Democrats are seizing the opportunity to foist them on their own petard.

Yes, there is a direct link between the rhetoric of violence and acts of violence. That point is so obvious to me it boggles my mind to think that there are some - apparently a great number - who actually don't get it.

This quote from this morning's NY Times editorial clearly summaries the problem for me:

"It is facile and mistaken to attribute this particular madman’s act directly to Republicans or Tea Party members. But it is legitimate to hold Republicans and particularly their most virulent supporters in the media responsible for the gale of anger that has produced the vast majority of these threats, setting the nation on edge."

Of course, most of the people who are Tea Party members don't read the NY Times. They are encouraged by folks like Mrs. Palin to distrust the "mainstream media" and get all their information from Fox News Service.

However, "mainstream" Republicans do read the NY Times - at least, many I know do - and I can't help but think that this is as serious a 'wake up call' for them as it is for any anyone else on any side of any aisle who fans the flames of anger in this country - or anywhere else.

Images such as the one to your immediate right have to stop.

Yes, you read that right.

It's a "Liberal Hunting License Sticker" being sold at a place called the "Patriot Shop" and goes for a mere $3.25.

The add declares:

Liberal hunting season has been declared. Get your permit today!

"Liberal Hunting License -- 2009-2013 -- No Bag Limit -- Tagging Not Required."

Measures 3-3/4" x 3-3/4"

*Disclaimer: For novelty purposes only.

"Novelty"?????

Since when has declaring open season on liberals - or any human being - been funny?

I suppose this little note at the end of the page makes it alright:

"All purchases at PatriotShop.US support our Mission of Service to America's Armed Services, and help ensure that The Patriot Post is distributed to hundreds of thousands of military personnel and students without a fee. The Patriot receives no corporate, foundation, political or special interest funding. Our mission and operations are funded by — and depend entirely upon — the financial support of American Patriots like YOU!"

There now, don't you feel better? Doesn't that just make you feel 'red, white and blue' all over?

Violence seems to be an increasing part of the American culture. It's not just post 9/11. I was a young student in middle school when President John F. Kennedy was shot. That was soon followed by the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert Kennedy. It was a terrible time in our history - one I had hoped we had learned from and would never happen again.

So, why doesn't this image on Sarah Palin's web page not raise at least an eyebrow of concern? It's entitled "Don’t Get Demoralized! Get Organized! Take Back the 20!"

Is a visual image of Palin's famous line, "Don't Retreat. Reload."

If you look closely (you can make the image larger by clicking on it), you will see the name of Representative Gabrielle Giffords in the cross hairs of the target.

Would the fact that Giffords was once a Republican but became a Democrat have anything to do with this? No? How about that she's a woman and is Jewish? Nah!

Perhaps I'm being too facile - but probably not mistaken, especially in terms of what seems to fire the bigotry and racism and anger and hatred of those on the fringes of sanity.

While the Palin Political Machine is exhausting itself trying to back peddle away from even a whiff of any intent to do violence (they have, apparently, taken down the page) to any of the "targeted" legislators who voted for Health Care Reform, this sentence from the website can not be easily dismissed,

"This is just the first salvo in a fight to elect people across the nation who will bring common sense to Washington. Please go to sarahpac.com and join me in the fight."

John Cole perhaps said it best,

"The point we have been trying to make for the last couple of years is that Republicans need to stop whipping up crazy people with violent political rhetoric. This is really not a hard concept to follow. There are crazy people out there. Stop egging them on."

On January 5th, The Rolling Stone website posted an essay by Matt Taibbi entitled, "The Crying Shame of John Boehner"

There is a bone-chilling piece wherein Taibbi reports an exchange between Boehner and Ohio Democrat, Steve Driehaus after Boehner suggested that by voting for Obamacare, Driehaus "may be a dead man". Taibbi writes:

"Driehaus is quick to point out that he doesn't think Boehner meant to urge anyone to violence. "But it's not about what he intended — it's about how the least rational person in my district takes it. We run into some crazy people in this line of work."

Driehaus says Boehner was "taken aback" when confronted on the floor, but never actually said he was sorry: "He said something along the lines of, 'You know that's not what I meant.' But he didn't apologize."

Political rhetoric is notoriously (and, unnecessarily) filled with vitriol. Passion is okay. It's fine. It's important. It's expected, actually. But, vitriol begins to cross the line of decency and begins to enter a danger zone of violence.

There is something different, however, about this particular moment of violence in our history.

I believe we have created our own culture of terrorism.

Blogs and radio talk shows and cable television programs exploit the dark visions of political extremists for their own profit and political gain.

That's how terrorism works. Terrorists always exploit the poor. Why not, the thinking goes. Everyone else does.

They have a point.

"When and if fascism comes to America it will not be labeled 'made in Germany' it will not be marked with a swastika; it will not even be called fascism; it will be called, of course, 'Americanism."

Those are the words of Professor Halford E. Luccock of the Divinity School of Yale University in a sermon he delivered at Riverside Church.

That was 1938.

The short hand version, attributed to Sinclair Lewis is “When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the flag and waving a cross”.

Many people are saying that, as a country, we have hit bottom. I beg to differ. I don't think we have. I think - fear - we may have to sink even lower before we find the soul that we have lost.

Which is why I'm not as concerned about the bottom as I am the gap.

The economic disparity in this country grows larger every day.

It will get worse, I fear.

In a BBC radio broadcast last night, one reporter mentioned that the unemployment rate in the US has finally begun to decline, but noted - as only someone who is not an American could - that this may well be due to the fact that many of those who are unemployed have simply stopped looking for jobs.

I think he's onto something more than just clever "outsider" rhetoric.

Poverty has a way of eroding the soul. Despair has a singular ability to distort and color reality in dark, depressing shades of gloom and doom. It becomes its own swirling vortex from which even the strongest have difficulty emerging.

When those who are emotionally unstable are also affected by poverty. . .and when gun control is so lax in this country that even a person known to be emotionally unstable as to have been kicked out of his college program can still buy a gun. . . and when political vitriol is seemingly inescapable in print, audio and visual and electronic media. . . .well, the only thing surprising about the shooting in Arizona is that it didn't happen sooner.

Pima County Sheriff Charles Dupnik said it best,

"I think it’s time as a country we need to do a little soul searching because I think that the vitriolic rhetoric that we hear day in and day out from the people in the radio business, and some people in the T.V. business, and what we see on T.V. and how are youngsters are being raised. It may be free speech but it does not come without consequences. Arizona has become the Mecca of prejudice and bigotry."

The good Sheriff is absolutely right. Soul searching is exactly what we need to do. We have lost the soul of this country and things will not change until we find it again.

I think that begins with holding ourselves accountable for allowing political vitriol such as the ones I've sited here.

Yes. It starts with me and it starts with you. We can not sit still while this insanity swirls around us. As we used to say, back in the late 60s, "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

Then, we hold accountable every other public and political figure who uses violent language, imagery and/or metaphor for political gain or financial profit.

I think a fitting tribute and legacy to Christina Taylor Green, the nine year old girl who was killed in Tucson while seeing Representative Giffords, would be a bill that would hold all public figures and politicians accountable for violent rhetoric and imagery. All. Of. Them.

And... and... and... as we're doing that, we put every effort, every energy into closing the ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor.

Jesus said, "The poor will always be with you."

That's as much a statement of fact as it is a call to service.

Let's put down the guns, and the gun metaphors, and get on with closing the gap between the rich and the poor.

Then, and only then - in those acts of kindness and mercy and justice - might we be able to find the soul we have lost.

The Reason for the Season

I am, this morning, trying to get my head wrapped around what happened yesterday in Tucson.

While our family gathered to celebrate Little Christmas, we were 'tuned into' each other and 'tuned out' the rest of the world.

We had made it through the snow and ice to be together - the longest trip was four hours and 20 minutes. One of our sons in law took his truck with a snowplow on the front and made sure the neighbors were plowed out.

He's such a good man.

We opened presents while we munched on all sort and manner of cheeses and humus and crackers and such.

The children were all pretty well behaved, owing, perhaps, to the fact that they had already had their "Big Christmas".

This was "Little Christmas" after all. All the joy and excitement but half the hysteria and chaos.

The adults, on the other hand . . .. .

Well, Christmas brings out the "little kid" in all of us.

That seems especially true the bigger we get.

After the blur of torn wrapping paper and exclamations of excitement and joy, we sat down to eat a fabulous spread of food.

Then, we caught up with each other - small conversations in the kitchen or at the table or in the living room. Much better than Facebook. Much better, indeed!

Of course, some of us watched the NOLA Saints and the Seattle Seahawks play football. I was rooting for the Saints, of course, but was sorely outnumbered.

What's not to love about the Saints? (Can you hear me, Grandmere Mimi?)

Pity they lost.

Others of us got a little creative with the gifts we were given.

Here, our youngest granddaughter practices the ancient technique of the 'chasmophile'. In biology, the word means 'thriving or dwelling in rock crevices, chinks, fissures, crannies, and chasms'.

Not too long ago, she got into the cage where her oldest sister's bunny lives. It took a few minutes and not a few hysterical tears to get her out, but apparently she hasn't lost her desire to curl up into small places that are actually designed and intended for other purposes.

The delight of my heart came when our youngest grandchild, a delightfully serious and methodical child, even at age 3, used his new scooter - in the form of an "Elmo Fly Me Airplane" - to transport various toy trucks and buses from the play room into the dining room. There, he very carefully lined them up against the glass door which had been closed to keep the dogs in the kitchen and away from interfering with the festivities.

I began to realize that there was a reason for all his work. He was forming a barricade against the door to insure that the dogs would, in fact, stay away from him and his other siblings and cousins.

After he had lined up the last toy truck, he stood up, pointed his finger at the dogs who stood soulfully looking through the glass and said, in a stern voice that belied his young years, "OUT!"

It's not that he was afraid of the dogs - although one of them has an especially long, enthusiastic and hard to control tail. He just wanted to make sure that they didn't intrude on our holiday fun.

It was his job which he defined and took on for himself. Such a brave little man.

My favorite moment came when I saw two girl cousins heading off to the play room, all hustle and bustle and focused energy. I called after them, "Look at these two beautiful girls!"

The younger one smiled at me and said, as if to explain it all, "We're related, you know."

Yes, yes, my darlings. I know. We're all related. In ways that you haven't yet begun to comprehend.

My heart is a jumble of emotions this morning. Joy and gratitude for my family which warms the inner recesses of my heart and my soul. Shock and horror about what has happened in the human family and to the heart and soul of this country, as recently made manifest in the shootings in Phoenix.

Sometimes, you know, there is such ugliness and evil in the world, it makes me cry out in anguish. And other times, there is such beauty as to stop my heart and cause me to gasp in utter and complete awe.

Both experiences can send me running directly into the arms of Jesus for comfort and solace as well as to share my unspeakable joy and gratitude.

Meanwhile, we live out our lives of faith, balancing ourselves - our minds and bodies, our hearts and souls - between these two realities.

And, in the middle of it all, providing both ballast and perspective, is the Incarnation.

We lose that center at our own peril.

Little Christmas 2011

Years ago, as a young wife and new mother, my first Christmas was quite a culture shock - and completely miserable.

Suddenly, I was faced with a dilemma I had never thought to anticipate.

How to celebrate Christmas? Not how, exactly, but where?

I had delivered our first child in early November. I had looked forward to being at home - in my own new home - with my new husband and new baby. Just the tree and us.

However, both sets of grandparents let it be known that they "expected" to spend Christmas Day with their new grandchild. In their homes.

In what seemed like a blink of an eye, a holiday I had come to love and cherish became one that was filled with dread.

I was exhausted, mostly from normal life with a nursing newborn - which, any new mother can tell you, is far from anything that resembles "normal" - and anticipating a return to work in 6 weeks.

It went on like that for several more years - the Christmas Parental Volleyball game of trying to find our own Christmas while negotiating which parents' home we would go to "first". I had to write which place we had been to "first" in my calendar each year so as not to hurt anyone's feelings the next.

I think it was in those early years that I decided that I would never, EVER, do that to my own children.

And, I haven't.

When our children started to marry and have their own children, I said, "Okay, so here's my Christmas present to you: Spend Christmas wherever you want. At home. With your in-laws. With us. It's okay. Just circle the weekend closest to The Epiphany and we'll celebrate "Little Christmas" together, as a family."

That has worked out very well - for everyone involved. Not only are the children happy not to be confronted with the dilemma of which parental unit with whom to spend Christmas, we all get to be together as a family to celebrate Little Christmas.

It also helps to free me up from the usual liturgical frenetics of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And, oh by the way, the post-Christmas sales are fantastic. Even wrapping paper is on sale. And, you can take your time wrapping presents - although I admit, I was wrapping presents last night. Procrastinators are repeat offenders.

So today is our day to celebrate "Little Christmas". The menu includes a baked ham, with some home made Mac 'n Cheese, along with a huge vat of Seafood Paella.

That's not a picture of The Seafood Paella above. It's one I snagged off the internet, but it looks pretty close.

I'll post a variation of my Grandmother's Recipe below, but for this one, I didn't fry the onions in bacon or add chicken or sausage because one of our kids does not eat meat. I also substituted Vegetable Broth for the Chicken Broth.

If you want a more traditional Paella, just fry in bacon, eliminate one of the fish, add about 1/2 pound of diced chicken, 1/2 pound of spicy sausage, sliced in hearty chunks, and cook in Chicken Stock.

It takes about 45 minutes to assemble if you do it all at once, but when I'm making large amounts, I usually steam the lobster (for about 10 minutes) and the shrimp (just until they start to get pink) beforehand because I find that they don't cook fully in the oven. I also de-vein and peel the shrimp after they are steamed.

I substituted the absence of the chicken and sausage with scallops and crab meat, and added some crushed red pepper to give the "kick" spicy sausage would. You can also fry up the onions and garlic in Pam instead of olive oil, if you are looking to reduce calories.

Do shop around for saffron. My goodness, some stores sell a few threads of the stuff that make it more expensive than lobster.

You can make your own variations - like adding squid. No one but me likes them, so I don't use them. I've also used monk fish, which holds up nicely and can be used as an inexpensive substitute for the scallops.

If you don't like peas, artichoke or tomato, substitute chopped parsley and pimento.

This recipe serves four to six hearty appetites. Obviously, with 16 people, I tripled it by necessity.

It's expensive to make this time of year, but it's well worth it. And, the presentation is so amazingly festive, it just looks like Christmas.

So, here is my recipe for (meatless) Seafood Paella - and off I go, headed into Holy Family Chaos.

I can't wait.

Seafood Paella

Ingredients

1/2 cup dry white wine
3 tablespoons saffron threads
1 glug of EVOO (Extra Virgin Olive Oil)
1 cup chopped red onion (about a medium onion)
4 - 6 cloves of garlic (well, that's the bare minimum)
1 cup arborio rice
1 each small red, yellow and orange bell pepper, trimmed and cut into strips
3 cups hot vegetable stock
1/2 pound scallops
1/2 pound crab meat
1/2 pound medium shrimp, peeled and de-veined
12 mussels, scrubbed
12 little neck clams, scrubbed
two 1 pound ("chicken" or "chick") lobsters
1/2 cup artichoke hearts (optional)
1 cup frozen peas, thawed
1 cup chopped tomato (one medium)
Slice of lemon for garnish


Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 - 375 degrees

Put the white wine and saffron threads in a small bowl and set aside.

Steam the lobsters briefly (10 Minutes)

Steam the shrimp briefly - just until it begins to turn pink - peel and de-vein and set aside.

Preheat a large, heavy paella pan or frying pan for about one minute over medium-high heat. Sear the scallops briefly, until they get brown.

Remove scallops and set aside.

Return pan to flame, pour in a glug of EVOO (or spray well with Pam). Saute onion and garlic until wilted. Add the rice and saute for about 1 minute until golden brown. Add the wine and saffron and stir until the liquid is completely absorbed.

Stir in the peppers. Add the vegetable broth, 1/2 cup at a time, stirring until absorbed. Keep the stock over low heat. When only 1/2 cup of stock remains to be added, stir in the crushed red pepper, shrimp, scallops and crab meat and cook until rice is tender. Salt and pepper to taste.

Turn the burner off.

Stand the mussels and clams upright in the rice mixture, joint down.

Separate the lobster - claws, body and tail - and tuck each into the rice around the perimeter of the pan (I like to stand the lobster bodies back to back in the center of the pan).

Transfer the pan to the oven and bake until the mussels and clam shells open and the lobster turns deep red (it may even have a few blackened areas on the claws and back of the tails). About 15-20 minutes.

Scatter the artichoke, peas and tomato over the paella and bake for another 5 minutes.

Place the paella in the center of the dinner table, garnished with some slices of lemon, and allow the guests to serve themselves.

Note: My family understands that the House Rule is that one of the lobster tails is reserved for the cook. The consequences for breaking that rule are . . .well, let's just say it's not pretty.

A Blessed Little Christmas to everyone.

The Best Family Christmas Play EVAH!

Okay, okay. So, I'm breaking a few of my own rules here.

First, I don't post more than once a day.

And, I try to post something 'original' - something I've written or some thoughts I have on things that are going on in the world.

This is neither of those things.

Furthermore, it's about Christmas. And, it's no longer Christmas. Except MY tree and decorations are still up until this week end - after our family gathers to celebrate "Little Christmas" (I've got the ingredients to make a huge vat of Seafood Paella waiting to be put together for tomorrow's feast that are calling - wailing, screaming - to me in my kitchen.)

Some churches - somewhere in Western Christendom - will follow "the wise" and break with conventional wisdom and - gasp! - church tradition and hold their Epiphany Pageants this Sunday.

Good for them, I say. I've always had a hard time with having children "perform" during the Christmas holidays. It's not like they (and their families) don't already have enough pressure during the last frenetic days of Advent. (You know. The Quiet, Contemplative Season.)

So, I'm breaking a few of my own rules and stretching the 'reason for the season' over the Season of The Epiphany and presenting you with Most This Amazing piece on the Christmas Story.

It's at a site called "Hyperbole and a Half" and it's called "The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas."

Click on the link for one of the most hilarious retrospectives of a child's memory of the Christmas Story.

It's The Best Family Christmas Play EVAH.

Warning: Do no have food or liquid in your mouth when you read this. Damage may result to your computer/laptop screen.

G'won. Go read it. It will spread a little more of that Christmas cheer which we apparently need so desperately after yesterday's debacle of reading (the altered version of) the Constitution yesterday on the floor of the House.

Would you like a shot of constitutional testosterone while we flex a little manly, conservative muscle?

Perhaps a tea bag for the hot water we're now in?

Orthodoxy in government, anyone?

Remind you of anything? Like, maybe, the Anglican Covenant?

Never mind. This is not a post about that. At least, it didn't start that way.

Go read "The Year Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas".

And, maybe send the link to your Representatives and Senators. And, perhaps, your rector or bishop.

Laughter is the best medicine.

We seem to be in short supply these days.

Following a star and a story

I think I like the Season of The Epiphany even more than I do Christmas.

Christmas is a great celebration of the Incarnation, but The Epiphany is the way in which that Incarnation is lived out in our lives of faith.

It's the on-going revelation of the miracle of the Incarnation in continually surprising and unexpected - and, dare I say it, unorthodox - ways.

Three wise men - Kings, we are told - reportedly came from the East, following only a star and a story. It was an ancient story - a rumor of a story, really - that was so amazing it brought a hope that burned so bright it formed its own light. They came, the Scriptural story tells us, to visit a newborn babe who was, at the very least, "in humble estate".

In so doing, they gave us a gift of another story that helps to guide us on our own spiritual paths so that we may live out our own stories of faith.

I think that's the real message of The Epiphany. It's about the surprising ways God is revealed to us when we journey in faith to find Jesus - no matter where that light or story leads us.

One of my favorite stories comes from a priest friend who has been in solid recovery for over 25 years. He still, after all these years, calls himself a "drunk". He says it keeps him humble and reminds him to be grateful for the gift of his sobriety.

His journey began with an epiphany.

Yes, this is one of my stories. Gather round, children, and listen.

"Once upon a time . . ." there lived a priest who thought he knew the Risen Christ. He had studied Him and His life. He had taught about Him and the marvelous, miraculous things He had done. His whole life was about preaching and teaching and living the Good News. It wasn't until he followed a story that he met Him, lying in humble estate, and found that His star burns brightly in his own life.

My friend thought he "might have a problem" with alcohol but was able to convince himself that maybe, once in a while, he "drank a little too much."

Maybe.

It bothered him that he kept his empty beer cans and whiskey bottles locked in the back pantry and took them, himself, to the recycling place, rather than out on the curb in front of the rectory. He had convinced himself, however, that he was just "protecting his parishioners" from the opportunity to gossip.

One night, in the deep midwinter, sometime after midnight, there came a loud banging on the rectory door. He sighed wearily as he roused himself from bed, put on some clothes, and wondered what he might be asked to do. Now. Again.

Might it be a parishioner in some sort of difficulty? Or, was it one of the many street people who lived in his urban neighborhood, come looking to "make a confession" before asking for some money "for a little something to eat, Father," which they both knew would be spent on booze.

He thought about taking a quick swig from the left over whiskey at his bedside table, but decided against it, just in case it was, in fact, a parishioner. He would save it for after the visit. Just a little something to help him get back to sleep.

As he opened the door, the mixture of sweat, cigarettes and alcohol conspired together to make such an offensive odor that it slapped him in the face. Slapped him hard. It burned his eyes and made them water and for a few seconds so that he could only make out the blur of a man's shape standing on the steps of the rectory.

Through the haze, he heard the man say, "Father, please, can you give me shelter tonight? I have nothing left to drink. If I could just have a cup of coffee and a place to lay my head for a few hours, I won't have to sleep out here where I might freeze to death. I promise I'll be gone in the morning."

It was cold. Freezing, in fact. Something in the priest's heart stirred. It was something like compassion, but it was so mingled with disgust as to be barely recognizable.

Still, he recognized something in the man. What was it about this pathetic, disheveled, stench of humanity in front of him? Was it the terrible predicament he had gotten himself into? Was it just the bare, raw, vulnerable human need that stood before him?

Against his better judgment, he opened the door and heard himself say, "Come in, son."

He sat him at his kitchen table and prepared a pot of coffee before he went about setting up a cot in the corner of the kitchen where the man could sleep. He passed the locked pantry door where his "empties" were stored and sighed with relief that the bottles that were full were upstairs in his bedroom. 

Safe

The bottles and his secrets.

As the warmth and kindness in the rectory kitchen began to surround and envelope the man, it seemed to potentiate the anesthetic effect of the enormous amounts of alcohol he had consumed.  His head began to nod and he had difficulty keeping himself sitting upright in the chair.

The priest poured him a cup of hot, black coffee and helped him take a few large gulps. The small amounts of caffeine in the coffee were no match for the alcohol, however, and the priest helped the man over to the cot.

As the man flopped into his cot, he looked at the priest and said, over and over again, "Father, forgive me, please forgive me."

"Shhh," said the priest. "Quiet now. Get some rest. You'll feel better in the morning."

"No, no I won't," said the man. "I'll feel worse. I always do. And then, I'll start drinking again."

"Okay, then," said the priest. "Sleep now. We'll get you some help in the morning."

"No," said the man. "I need some help now. Father, please forgive me."

"Do you want me to hear your confession?" he asked. "I'm a priest. I can hear your confession, you know. But, we can do that in the morning."

"Yes," said the man. "Yes, I know you're a priest."

And then he looked at him, square in the eye, beyond his eyes and looked straight into his soul. And then he said, "You see, I am a priest, too."

My friend said that, in that moment, in that man - that fellow priest's story - a light began to shine in the darkness of the lies he had been telling himself.

In that new light, he could see the possibility of the story of his own life becoming one with the story of the priest in front of him.

And, he wept and wept and wept as he kept vigil with the man through the night.

The next morning, as my friend says, began "the first day of the rest of his life."

Yes, this is one of my stories. It will never be part of scriptural canon. Perhaps that's because there are so many stories like them. Unique. Individual. And yet, stories of amazing grace, having once been lost and now am found.

You won't hear them in Church, but you will hear them if you linger about the Parish Halls and Undercrofts of churches where many 12-Step Programs meet.

They are Epiphany stories - sure and true. They are stories of the continual manifestations of how God's glory is revealed in human weakness and vulnerability.

It begins with telling the secrets we keep that, as Buechner says, "we come perhaps closer than we do anywhere else to the One who, whether we realize it or not, is, of all our secrets, the most telling and the most precious we have to tell."

In that moment, a light is revealed and begins to shine. 

Sometimes, we have to reach way, down deep in order to touch a star.

Not so fast, boys

I was on the road today, but I did listen to the broadcast of the "passing of the gavel", as Nancy Pelosi stepped down and the new Speaker of the House John Boehner stepped up to a Republican majority.

Mr. Boehner wept, of course. He has a bit of a track record on needing tissues in public.

Okay, so he wept when Ms. Pelosi introduced his wife and family.

Even so, it would have been understandable, this time, if he had 'cried a river'.

Mr. Boehner has some pretty big pumps to fill.

When Ms. Pelosi took the gavel as the first woman to be Speaker of the House, she faced a House so divided along party lines that she couldn’t count on a single Republican vote for legislation–which means that she had to wrangle fellow Democrats to demonstrate a discipline and unity they have not been famous for.

That wrangling resulted in a focus and a unity that produced an impressive list of accomplishments:

Health-care reform.


Financial reform.


Ethics reform.


A $787 billion stimulus.


The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.


A minimum wage increase.


Student aid.


Extending health coverage to 11 million children.


The repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Norman Ornstein, resident scholar at the conservative American Enterprise Institute said, “She ranks with the most consequential speakers, certainly in the last 75 years.”

With the Republicans now back in charge of the House, Ms. Pelosi has her new job (which was also her old job) — as House Democratic leader — cut out for her. Hard-won gains such as health reform are being threatened with repeal.

Ms. Pelosi today decried such efforts, saying it would “do very serious violence to the national debt and deficit.” Let alone to the health and wallets of American families.

She has been shamelessly attacked by those on the Right in a despicable display of sexism, the likes of which we haven't seen since Hillary Clinton ran for the Democratic Nomination as President of the United States.

She has been demonized for her looks, her clothes, her values - you name it, she's been roundly criticized for it, leading some otherwise brilliant allies to question her effectiveness.

At the beginning of her term, the first lashings she received were when she stated that the CIA had misled Congress. For months she was the target of every single Republican who came near a microphone. Remember the phony, sanctimonious outrage of John Boehner? I do.

And then we learned that she was right. Eventually, we discovered that the C.I.A. DID mislead Congress by order of former Vice President Dick Cheney, and President Bush signed off on it. Everybody, it seemed, lied to Congress.

American women have spoken often and for decades about the difficulty of overcoming sexism in our political system. There is no doubt in my mind that there was a witch-hunt on Capital Hill and Nancy Pelosi's was its clear target. The outrage that flared up around her was hot enough to light the kindling under the sexist stake she had been tied to.

The only thing that rivaled the attacks on Madam Speaker of the House were the attacks on the President himself.

To the "Party of No", if you are a strong, intelligent, independent, focused woman, you are a "Femi-Nazi". If you are a woman who is a mouthpiece for patriarchy, you are a "Mama Grizzly".

Yet, through it all, Ms. Pelosi remained gracious as well as focused, doing everything her President asked her to do - and accomplishing the majority of the items on her lengthy "to do" list.

Mr. Boehner may have gotten the gavel today, but Ms. Pelosi’s still got the platform, the guts and the smarts to keep the accomplishments of her tenure from being dismantled. She also has the admiration of many of her fellow residents of the House, on both sides of the aisle.

Knowing how she stood up to withering attacks and seemingly insurmountable political odds,  I'm putting solid money on the fact that the Republican majority is not going to easily dismiss her as a force that needs to be continually reckoned with and taken as seriously as a heart attack.

For my money, she's the best hope we've got to 'stay the course' before the 2012 elections, which will, ultimately, win another four years of a Democratic presidency.

I'm praying that we can get The Dream Act passed.  DADT feels like an incomplete victory without it.

So, thank you, Madame Speaker. Thank you for a job well done. My prayers are with you as you continue your amazingly impossible job.

And, to all you boys in the House - just a few words of advice from Faith Whittlesey, who famously said -

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.

The Liberation of the Soul

You may have missed this, but in late December, 2010, Representative Carolyn Maloney (D-NY), Chair of the Congressional Joint Economic Committee (JEC) released Invest in Women, Invest in America: A Comprehensive Review of Women in the US Economy, a study on women's key role in the US economy and the outmoded framework for social support that places an increased burden on women struggling to manage work and family demands.

The study revealed that more than 50 percent of workers believed they lacked flexible work arrangements, which would enable them to balance work and family.

As of January 2011, the US will be the only nation that is a member Organization for Economic Co-Operation and Development (OECD) without paid parental leave.

Under the Family and Medical Leave Act in the US, mothers are only permitted 12 weeks of unpaid leave.

Furthermore, thirty-seven percent of women who work in organizations with 15 or more employees are not allowed paid sick leave.

Without national paid sick leave policy to care for themselves or their ill children, many women must report to work sick and/or send their children to school. As a result of the lack of a paid sick policy, the economy suffers due to the decreased productivity of workers, or "presenteeism."

Many working women also struggle to afford child care, which is approximately 49 percent of the yearly income of a two-parent family living at the poverty level ($18,310 per year).

I know. I know. Some of you - mostly women - are shaking your heads and saying, "Tell us something we don't know, Elizabeth."

Alrighty, then. I will.

You might have missed this piece, too, published on New Year's Day by NY Times Op-ed columnist, Nicholas D. Kristoff (who always gets the three or four heterosexual brain cells left in my gray matter to jump up and down excitedly), entitled "Equality: a True Soul Food".

Kristoff writes about the "growing evidence that the toll of our stunning inequality is not just economic but also is a melancholy of the soul. The upshot appears to be high rates of violent crime, high narcotics use, high teenage birthrates and even high rates of heart disease."

His column is based on his reading of the recently released the book, “The Spirit Level: Why Greater Equality Makes Societies Stronger," by British epidemiologists, Richard Wilkinson and Kate Pickett.

The authors argue that gross inequality tears at the human psyche, creating anxiety, distrust and an array of mental and physical ailments — and they cite mountains of data to support their argument.

Kristoff continues:

So why is inequality so harmful? “The Spirit Level” suggests that inequality undermines social trust and community life, corroding societies as a whole. It also suggests that humans, as social beings, become stressed when they find themselves at the bottom of a hierarchy.

That stress leads to biological changes, such as the release of the hormone cortisol, and to the accumulation of abdominal fat (perhaps an evolutionary adaptation in preparation for starvation ahead?). The result is physical ailments like heart disease, and social ailments like violent crime, mutual distrust, self-destructive behaviors and persistent poverty. Another result is the establishment of alternative systems in which one can win respect and acquire self-esteem, such as gangs.

Granted, humans are not all equal in ability: There will always be some who are more wealthy — and others who constitute the bottom. But inequality does not have to be as harsh, oppressive and polarized as it is in America today. Germany and Japan have attained modern, efficient economies with far less inequality than we have — and far fewer social problems. Likewise, the gap between rich and poor fell during the Clinton administration, according to data cited in “The Spirit Level,” even though that was a period of economic vigor.

“Inequality is divisive, and even small differences seem to make an important difference,” Professors Wilkinson and Pickett note. They suggest that it is not just the poor who benefit from the social cohesion that comes with equality, but the entire society.

I need to point out here that feminists have been arguing this point about equality since the early 19th and 20th Centuries during the first wave of feminism.

We argued it again during the second wave of feminism during the 1960s and 70s.

And, we're arguing it again in the third wave of feminism from the 1990s to the present.

Turns out, the feminist ideal is not only good for women and children. It's not just for families in local neighborhoods. It's not just for America, but for the whole world.

Indeed, inequality is bad for the soul.

That's because feminism is not just about liberation for women. It's certainly not about burning bras and single-parent families and abortion clinics.

Ultimately, feminism is about the liberation of the human spirit.

It's a simple concept, really. It's about how we are all connected in the human family. Just as the human body is an intelligent, integrated system, so is the human family. As well as this earth, "our island home."

Feminism about the simple truth that "No one is free while others are oppressed."

History has shown that slavery hurt the slave owner as well as the slave. Indeed, the legacy of slavery is a deep wound that still exists in the soul of this country. I'm not certain we will ever completely heal, as a nation, from that time in our history. Racism continues to manifest itself in oppressive structures based on assumptions of inequality.

Patriarchy hurts those who oppress as well as those who are oppressed. We have a multitude of evidence to illustrate and prove this point - beginning with the story of the Garden of Eden. It is, I believe, the "original sin". Sexism continues to manifest itself in oppressive structures based on assumptions of inequality.

At the press conference unveiling the report "Invest in Women, Invest in America," Congresswoman Maloney said,

“This report can serve as a roadmap for policymakers who want to chart a new pro-growth course for the economy – one that recognizes the changing demographics of our workforce. I also hope that it will be a resource for elected leaders across the country who are working to assess different economic proposals and trying to understand how women’s role as generators of economic growth is affected by different policies.”

At the end of Kristoff's piece, he writes:

So as we debate national policy in 2011 — from the estate tax to unemployment insurance to early childhood education — let’s push to reduce the stunning levels of inequality in America today. These inequities seem profoundly unhealthy, for us and for our nation’s soul.

As new leadership prepares to take over the House, the first thing they intend to do is to repeal the Health Care Reform Bill. It will, no doubt, pass the House. It will not, however, pass the Senate. And, President Obama has made it very clear that he intends to use his veto power should their movement gain any traction.

However, "The Party of No" will continue to push its agenda, regardless of the predicted outcome. They have a pathetic need to prove some machismo point about who is really in control around here, anyway.

Which is really 'the point' of patriarchy, isn't it?

That wouldn't have anything to do with who is President and who is Secretary of State, would it? No, of course not. Silly me. I'm just a woman, and you know how we are. All emotional and clearly "the weaker sex".

John Steinbeck observed that “a sad soul can kill you quicker, far quicker, than a germ.”

Jesus knew the treatment plan for a sad soul: First: Tend to the poor, the widow and orphan, the sick, and all those in need. Then: Change the system of domination and oppression that creates and maintains poverty.

We have everything we need to address the problem of inequality - in our homes, our neighborhoods, our nation and the world. We always have.

On the eve of a power shift in our government, we need to ask ourselves - individually and collectively - "Do we have the will?"

I pray that this "germ" of the idea of equality will begin to infect every aspect of our lives.

Imagine what we might be able to accomplish together, working for equality, as an intelligent, integrated system dedicated to the liberation of the human spirit.

Why, it's downright Christian.

Priest, Prophet and Pastor

I've been thinking over the year, 2010 in anticipation of beginning the year 2011.

In many ways, it's been an incredible year - nothing I would have anticipated a year ago this time. Certainly nothing I would have anticipated even five or ten years ago. It's been nothing I could have asked for or imagined 20 years ago.

Which is why I don't make New Year's Eve resolutions, much to one of our daughter's deep chagrin.

Life has a way of taking its own twists and turns. Ironically, this seems to happen especially after you've committed yourself to a particular path. Something in the cosmos shifts. Suddenly, things happen. People come into your life to teach you things you didn't even know you needed to know.

As I look over the events of 2010, I find myself overwhelmed with one emotion: I am deeply, profoundly grateful. For the good stuff and the not-so-good stuff and yeah, even the bad stuff.

I would not be where - or, the person - I am without all of it.

Years ago, in one of those serendipitous moments when you know the Spirit is present, I had a conversation with the bishop who would ordain me.

I asked him once, rather boldly I see now, looking back at it, "What is a priest, and how is that different from being a prophet and a pastor?"

He said,

"A priest is, first and foremost, a Christian, and a Christian is, first and foremost, a grateful person. The life and witness, the ministry and mission of a priest is to be an outward and visible sign and symbol of a grateful heart - whose life is a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving for all God has done."

"Once you understand your priesthood - whether or not you are ordained - you are also compelled, when required, to be a prophet and a pastor. Ordained priests dedicate their lives to being a manifestation - a living epiphany - of a Eucharistic life of the sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving."

Priesthood as an outward and visible sign and symbol of a grateful heart. A person whose life is a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving for all God has done.

I love that definition of priesthood and have tried to live it as a standard for my life - especially in the 25 years I've been privileged to be an ordained priest. I especially love that it is the bedrock of prophetic and pastoral ministry.

Not that it has been easy. God knows the institutional church, more often than not, mitigates against Her clergy living into that definition.

The difficulty comes in two parts: First, being a "sign and symbol of a grateful heart" - especially when ordained to do so.

That's a pretty nebulous job description. The Book of Common Prayer doesn't offer much help. Check out the "job description" on page 531. There's stuff in there about how a priest is to "proclaim by word and deed the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

That gets a bit fleshed out with these words:

"You are to love and serve the people among whom you work, caring alike for young and old, strong and weak, rich and poor. You are to preach, to declare God's forgiveness to penitent sinners, to pronounce God's blessing, to share in the administration of Holy Baptism and the celebration of the mysteries of Christ's Body and Blood, and to perform other ministrations entrusted to you." (BCP 531)

That last bit is the dangerously nebulous "other duties as assigned" - which some Wardens and Vestries translate to mean anything from being singularly responsible for repairing a leaky faucet, negotiating the price of repairing a furnace or water heater, unstopping a clogged toilet or mowing the rectory lawn.

See also: "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

It can also mean being in two places at the same time, reading minds to know who is in hospital or has lost a job or whose marriage is in difficulty, and creating a church environment that never challenges and always leaves people feeling 'happy'.

Or as a former Senior Warden once said to me, "The church is like an ice cream truck, delivering good things to people."

That could only be said by someone who hasn't the faintest idea of what the church is all about, much less what it means to be a priest.

Yes, and he was Senior Warden.

One could hardly blame him. I mean, what does it mean to be a "sign and symbol of a grateful heart"? It took me at least the first decade to understand what that means, as an ordained leader in Christian community. Why would we expect some lay leaders to understand?

It has everything to do with the second part: "A person whose life is a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving for all God has done."

There are days when it is, indeed, a sacrifice to give praise and thanksgiving. Pauli Murray, the first Black (or, she would have me say "Negro") woman to be ordained priest in The Episcopal Church, once wrote

"Hope is a song in a weary throat."

That's it. That's the best definition of that kind of 'sacrifice' of praise and thanksgiving.

It means that you 'keep on keepin' on' because you've read the Holy Scriptures of our faith and you know how the story begins and how it ends.

It begins and ends in The Garden, with a trip through The Garden of Gethsemane in between. The 'good news' is that our stay in Gethsemane is not forever. We're all going 'home' one day. All of us - sinner and saint, the virtuous and the scoundrel. We'll all be together, one day, back to the future in Eden, where we'll live eternally bathed in The Light.

The job of the priest is to fashion her life and her work in such a way that makes that truth believable to the skeptic or the anxious or the hopeless.

How that gets done in pragmatic terms depends on the individual person and the unique gifts and charisms for ministry given to him or her.

It requires walking the fine line on the tightrope of the challenges and perils of vulnerability and the joys and heartbreak of incarnate love.

In my experience, that "balancing act" can only be done when the human heart is filled with gratitude for all the things God has done.

Gratitude provides the ballast and the balance to keep from falling into and drowning in the often turbulent waters of our baptism. It allows you to take the risks of your faith to "afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted".

I've said this often in this space, but it bears saying again. What I know about being a priest was first modeled for me by the Roman Catholic nuns of my youth.

That role modeling continues today - often in more powerful ways than most priests and bishops in The Episcopal Church.

Sr. Joan Chittister is one of my personal heroes, whose courage and eloquence and spirituality continue to inspire me.

But, I'm thinking specifically right now, with a heart filled with gratitude, for two women - Daughter of Charity, Sr. Carol Keehan and Religious Sister of Mercy, Sr. Margaret Mary McBride.

Sr. Carol Keehan is the president and CEO of the Catholic Health Association who led her organization to endorse the Health Care Reform legislation and thus helped pass it through Congress. The move put health care coverage within the reach of an additional 32 million Americans.

Sister Margaret Mary McBride, an administrator at St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix, made the decision to save the life of a 27-year-old pregnant woman. The woman, a mother of four, was 11 weeks pregnant, suffering pulmonary hypertension that would very likely kill her and, as a result, her unborn child. Sister McBride agreed to the abortion that would save the woman's life. Her diocesan bishop, Thomas J. Olmsted, has excommunicated her for it.

Oh, but wait. There's more. Last month, Phoenix Bishop Thomas Olmsted withdrew the “Catholic” designation from St. Joseph’s Hospital and Medical Center because he said the hospital wouldn’t accept his full authority about a medical case that he had deemed to be an abortion. The hospital had said it was acting to save a life.

Hell hath no fury like a bishop scorned.

No one - not RC canon lawyers, ethicists and moral theologians who had reasoned that the hospital had acted on compassionate grounds - had much to say about this recent development.

No one, that is, except the Catholic Health Association, led by Sr. Carol Keehan, who supported St. Joseph's Hospital.

I can’t help but note that, with the Vatican in the midst of two investigations of U.S. women religious, many people have counseled the women to keep a low profile. In this atmosphere, Sr. Keehan and Sr. McBride continue to take courageous stands.

But, they are not alone.

Last month, around the time of the national conference of Roman Catholic bishops’, the National Coalition of American Nuns (NCAN), which represents some 500 women religious, issued “Oppose Bullying, Not Marriage Equality,” a statement that blasts the bishops for their pastoral insensitivity:

On behalf of GLBT Catholics, their families and friends, and thoughtful Catholics across the United States, the National Coalition of American Nuns is appalled at the lack of sensitivity of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops to lesbian and gay persons.

More than a month has gone by since the media broke the news about a series of gay suicides. During that time, the US Catholic Bishops failed to make a single statement regarding these tragic, preventable deaths. Not one bishop’s voice was raised to condemn a culture where youths are bullied for being who God created them to be and are sometimes pushed by society’s judgments to attempt suicide. Many people have accused certain segments of organized religion, including the Catholic hierarchy, of fueling these attacks and contributing to suicides.

The annual meeting in Baltimore of the US Catholic Bishops offered an opportunity to decry these horrendous events. Instead, the bishops chose to discuss “the defense of marriage,” their well-funded attack on same-gender couples. They fail to see that the Catholic community is embarrassed by their silence in the face of brutality and incensed by their push of a political agenda against marriage equality—all at a time when their credibility on sexual matters is at a record low.

The bishops have not learned from the Minnesota experience, where Catholics returned the anti-gay DVD’s the hierarchy sent to each household in the state. The anger of Minnesota Catholics is erupting all across our country. Faithful Catholics believe their bishops should be preaching a message of concern and understanding, instead of rejection and hate.

The National Coalition of American Nuns calls on all US Catholics to rise up and say, “Enough, enough! No more discriminatory rhetoric and repressive measures from men who lay heavy burdens on the shoulders of others and do not lift one finger of human kindness and compassion. We all need to work for a holy and just society and church.”

The position of the nuns foists the bishops on their own orthodox petards. They do not challenge church teaching against “homosexual acts.” Rather they call the bishops to fulfill their pastoral responsibilities by opposing bullying, and halting their hurtful activism.

Sr. Sandra Schneiders, IHM has written in the National Catholic Reporter that women religious have a prophetic vocation. Prophets, as she explains it, reserve unconditional obedience to God alone even when that puts them into conflict with secular and religious authorities. They may consult many sources when formulating their truths, but they ultimately place God’s logic above human dictates.

That is a kind of prophetic witness that could not be accomplished without grateful hearts and the confidence and generosity that brings.

It is, indeed, a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving.

I know the institution does not recognize them as priests, but they are in my eyes and in the eyes of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Indeed, would that more priests - men and women, Roman and Anglo Catholic, might follow this model.

Further, Sr. Schneiders writes:

Jesus’ prophetic ministry of word and work was not merely a threat to the particular domination systems of Rome and Jerusalem. It was a fundamental subversion of domination itself as the demonic structure operative in human history. The incarnation was God’s revelation in Jesus that God is not a supreme power controlling humanity through fear of damnation or extinction, nor the legitimator of human domination systems, but One who has chosen loving solidarity unto death with us to free us from all fear and bring us into the “liberty of the children of God.”

Jesus was the end of all domination systems, all systems of salvation by the power exercised by a few over the many. No such system, political or religious, could ever again claim divine sanction. It was this definitive subversion of the violent human way of running the world by God’s loving way of luring creation, including us, toward union with Godself that was the ultimate threat Jesus represented. The demonic “world,” the kingdom of Satan, was undone by Jesus who was bringing into existence a new creation, an entirely different “world” which “God so loved as to give the only Son.”

As we begin the New Year and rapidly approach the Feast of the Epiphany, I give thanks for so many 'manifestations' of these outward and visible signs and symbols of a grateful heart. They continue to inspire and inform my own ministry and life as an ordained priest.

May we all be so inspired that we might resolve to fashion our lives so as to be part of the movement to usher in that "new creation", an "entirely different world" which is the dream of God, enfleshed in Jesus.

May we live our Spirit-led lives at the intersection of what it means to be priest, prophet and pastor - whether or not the institutional church recognizes or blesses that status or the work we do in the Name of Jesus.

That is the only resolution I make for each and every new year God grants me. I never know where that path will take - or, rather, lead - me. I only know that it leads 'home' - back to The Garden.

I hope you will join me as a companion in that journey.

And, as we travel together, may there always be a song in our weary throats.