Love Anyway

Valentine's Day.

Maybe a box of chocolates. Perhaps a quiet, romantic, candle-lit dinner with a festive bottle of champagne. It could even mean a special present like a piece of jewelry or even some sexy underwear.

Sometimes, it even means a proposal of marriage.

For lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, that proposal is inching closer and closer to something that might actually mean more than the utilitarian, pragmatic, sterile-sounding 'Domestic Partnership' or 'Civil Union'.

Yesterday, the state of New Jersey decisively voted for Marriage Equality. Unfortunately, nothing will change. Not for awhile, anyway. Not until Governor Chris Christie becomes the one-term governor he said he would be and/or finally agrees to run for President of the United States (Lord, have mercy).

Christie has vowed to veto the bill. And, one thing I have to say about Christie: He is a man of firm principles and convictions who is unafraid to stand by them and on them.

One would be mistaken, however, to think the story will end there.

Everyone who called me last night to report on what they saw in the NJ Senate Chambers said it was striking to see how the debate has changed with time, and how one can almost see the arc of history bending toward justice for gays.

The idea of civil unions - which is now the 'law of the land' in NJ - was once seen as a way to ensure full rights without offending the traditionalists. It was rightly dismissed yesterday as an imposture for the real thing, as weak and phony as the promise of separate-but-equal schools in old Mississippi.

Six states now have full marriage equality, and somehow, traditional marriages have survived the blow. That scare tactic has been exposed.

Sen. Loretta Weinberg (D-Bergen) was quoted as saying, “The state should not be in the business of legally sanctioning homophobia. This is not steeped in traditional values. It is steeped in prejudice.”

Atta girl.

Senate President Stephen Sweeney (D-Gloucester) abstained in the vote on marriage equality two years ago for political reasons and almost immediately regretted it.

Yesterday, he finally had the chance to make amends. “What is silly is that we have to debate something as elementary as equal protection under the law for all citizens,” he said.

Atta boy.

Next up is the Assembly, which is expected to pass this bill on Thursday, and then comes the governor’s inevitable veto. Christie says he wants to put the issue before voters, a move as clever as it is cynical. It will give him and fellow Republicans a place to retreat that will sound respectable to traditional, conservative ears.

But it would be as wrong as holding a referendum on interracial marriage, which most Americans opposed until the mid-1990s, despite the Supreme Court striking down Virginia’s ban three decades earlier.

So the real fight will be to gather enough votes to override the veto, which can be done anytime during this two-year session.

Slowly, slowly - state by state, inch by bloody inch - we are moving toward full Marriage Equality.

Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional in California. The State of Washington now has Marriage Equality. Even here in the First State of Delaware, we have Civil Unions. That, too, will move, eventually to full Marriage Equality.

It will be the best Valentine's Day present. Evah.

Eventually, we'll understand that love is not about gender. It is a matter of the heart. And, as that famous line goes, "The heart has reasons that Reason can not understand."

So, my friends, go out into this day and celebrate love. Celebrate that the members of God's Queer Rainbow Tribe are moving from second-tier status to full, productive citizens of the universe. Celebrate the long arc of history bending toward justice and equality and liberty.

I know. I know. There's still lots of prejudice and bigotry and hate in the world.  I firmly believe that the reason we are making the advances in Marriage Equality is because all that ugliness and ignorance and stupidity is being exposed for what it is by LGBT people who are living and loving each other and their families.

Anyway.

So, on this Valentine's Day, here's my message: Love anyway. Let's love ourselves and others beyond hate and fear and gender and into full Marriage Equality.

Love.

It's like that line in that sappy, silly love song from the 60s:

What the world needs now is love, sweet love. It's the only thing that there's just too little of.

Today is the day to celebrate love - and the hope and transformation it brings to the human heart.

Here's to lovers - wherever and whoever you are!

Never doubt that love - your love - can change the world.

Especially when you love, anyway.

David Kato: God loves you. God created you. God is on your side.

Today marks the one year anniversary of the murder of David Kato, Ugandan gay-rights activist.

Kato was 46 years old. His life had been threatened for months. His picture even appeared on the front page of a right-wing Ugandan newspaper which bore the headline: "100 Pictures of Uganda's Top Homos Leak" and "Hang Them: They are After Our Kids".

I wrote about his funeral last year in a piece I titled, "Unbearable Sadness". Indeed, blogger stats report that it's the 5th highest read blog post here at Telling Secrets, with almost 11,000 page views.

I had been deeply moved by a video shown on Rachel Maddow that night which depicted scenes from Kato's funeral. Local town and religious officials said hateful things and tried to disrupt the prayers and attempts to give Kato a dignified, peaceful burial.

I don't think it's an overstatement to say that Kato's death has achieved martyr status in many communities around the world.

Which is why there has been talk at the Creating Change Conference, held this past week in Baltimore, Maryland, to nominate a Queer activist for a Nobel Prize.

According to Jay Michaelson over at Religious Dispatches, there are two leading candidates for consideration: Frank Mugisha and Kasha Jacqueline Nagabesera, two Ugandan LGBT activists who have risked their lives to advance the cause of freedom, in one of the most hostile societal contexts on Earth.

Although he, himself, is heterosexual, I would add the name of Bishop Christopher Senyonjo, Anglican Ugandan bishop who stepped up at Kato's funeral, faced down the angry mob and officiated at the burial service. 

He told the mourning LGBT friends of David Kato: "Do not be discouraged. God created you. God loves you. God is on your side".

Bishop Christopher lost his pension and his ability to function in any ecclesiastical way in Uganda as the cost of his discipleship to LGBT Ugandans.

One way to create change in the hearts and minds of people is for an international committee to recognize the work of these activists to bring peace and reconciliation for people who have long been held in the vice grip of the violence inherent in oppression.

It's about time.

I'm sure David Kato did not want to die at age 46. I'm quite certain that no one wants to be bludgeoned to death by a hammer in their own home.  I'm also convinced that no one wants to be oppressed or feel the cruel sting of bigotry, prejudice and hatred because their very existence doesn't meet the criteria of those in power and authority to be deemed fully human.

How is his death at the hands of people who had been seized by homophobic rage any different than being killed - or threatened with death or life imprisonment by laws enforced by the State and supported by the Church - because they were Irish or Black South African or the Middle Eastern or Polish or Serbian or.... fill in the blank?

A Nobel Prize would recognize on the international stage that a great injustice is being done. It would recognize and reward those who are actively working to relieve the suffering of a targeted group of people. It would also inspire those around the world who are working to create change and bring about peace and reconciliation.

Most importantly, it will bring a form of judgment against those who create and perpetuate archaic and draconian laws and, perhaps, create some change in some of the most hostile societal contexts on the face of the Earth.

No, it won't bring back David Kato, but it might prevent the deaths of other David Katos in Uganda and around the world. It might provide some measure of protection for LGBT people and encourage young LGBT people that their lives are worth living and not ending in suicide.

It will remind the right wing that sticks and stones can, indeed, break bones and names can not only hurt but kill people. The truth of the matter is that right-wing rhetoric leads to right-wing violence, and not only must it end, but those who perpetuate this violence must be held accountable for it.

A Nobel Prize to an LGBT Activist would be a tribute to the life of David Kato and become his best legacy. It won't make sense of his death, but it may instill some sense into those who hide behind Scripture and The Law while they wield swords (and hammers) of hate.

On the first anniversary of the unbearable sadness of his death, I can't think of a better way to honor his life than to continue his work.

At Kato's funeral, Ugandan Bishop Christopher Senyonjo said,"Do not be discouraged. God created you. God loves you. God is on your side".

I think a Nobel Prize for an LGBT activist is the best way to embody those words.

Don't you?

Dumb stuff straight people say to LGBT people

The other day, someone posted a really clever Youtube video on FaceBook entitled, "Dumb shit White girls say to Black girls".

It's clever and it's startling because, well, while I actually haven't said or done some of those things, I have to admit that some of the things I've said and done, in the early years of healing my own racism, I've come pretty damn close to saying and/or thinking some of those things.

In that way, the video is very instructive and important. It also helps that the young Black woman dresses and talks like a Valley Girl. I think I may just have to include it the next time I do an Anti-Racism training program.

I hasten to add that I am not healed of my own racism. Racism is in the ether. We breathe in its toxins every minute of every day. I have to confess it every day or my soul will be in peril.

In the same way, so are sexism and heterosexism and homophobia. Just because I am a Queer woman does not prevent me from suffering from internalized sexism and heterosexism and homophobia.

So, one of my daily prayers is "Let me not be an instrument of the oppression of others. Let me not be an instrument of my own oppression".

Which I prayed again just this morning. Which is when I had this idea that I could do a list of my own. "Dumb things straight people say to LGBT people." I wish I could do a video of this list and be as effective as this young woman is, but you'll just have to use your imagination.

Here are some things that have actually been said to me. Most of them by genuinely well-intentioned, straight people, but some by LGBT people.  You could probably add some of your own.

I've also added some of the responses I've made - or wished I had made - or regret I've made. You could probably add some of your own.

So, without any further delay, drum roll, please: 

"This is your partner? What business are you in?" (The 'love business' - it's a family enterprise.)

"Are you two sisters?" (Yes, my mother and her mother are both mothers.)

"Is that your mother?" (No, but we are both mothers. Oh, and thank you.)

"Oh, you're wearing purple! Again! Of course, that would be your favorite color!" (Yup, just like Tinky Winky! You might have noticed that the bishop wears it, too!)

"But, you don't have a pinky ring, a cat, or wear Birkenstock sandals."(Don't like a lot of jewelry. Allergic to cats. Much prefer Dansko clogs. It's what all the really 'cool dykes' are wearing.)

"Is that lipstick? Are you wearing lipstick? And, eye makeup?" (Yup. I got special permission from LGBT Central.)

"Well, you dress very stylishly." (Thank you. I never go shopping without one of my gay male friends.)

"Do you own a motorcycle?" (Nope, and I don't have a pack of Lucky's rolled in the sleeve of my T-shirt, either. But, I do have a tattoo.)

"So, you're divorced. Does that make you bisexual?" (Actually, it makes me divorced.)

"Was your husband 'too small'? Or, was he 'too big'?" (Ummmm....Oh, look! Our hostess just brought out some more of her homemade salsa. Would you like some?)

"Why do you hate men?"(Why do you ask?)

"Is anyone else in your family gay or lesbian?" (Alas, I was kidnapped from my crib in Lesbianlandaville by a wild heterosexual couple who couldn't have any kids of their own.

"Are any of your children gay or lesbian?" (No, alas, even though we do want what's best for our children. They were just born that way, I guess.)

"When did you know you were lesbian?" (When did you know you were heterosexual?)

"Why do you want to get married, anyway?" (Why did you want to get married?)

"What's wrong with Civil Unions? Can't you people ever be happy?" (There's this little thing called the Constitution of the United States....maybe you've heard about it?)

"You people....." (Hubboy, here we go....)

"Your lifestyle...." (I don't have a lifestyle. I have a life.)

"But, the bible says...." (The Bible says lots of stuff. So, you may not want to eat that scallop wrapped in bacon. And, you may want to stop playing football.)

"That's so gay...." (That's so dumb!)

"Ewwww....it's just so...icky to think about." (Then, stop thinking about it. And, grow up!)

"You could 'change' if you really wanted to." (If I were able to 'change', would you really want me to marry your son?)

"I knew a gay man once who .... (fill in the blank)...died of AIDS / committed suicide / drank himself to death." (I know lots of heterosexual men and women who have died tragic deaths. We all make bad choices. That doesn't make us bad people.)

"If it's so difficult to be gay, why do they call it being 'gay'?"(It's just our little 'inside joke'. If you're not gay, you just wouldn't understand.)

"How did you come to have so many children?" (Did your parents ever tell you about the birds and the bees? How about the sperm and the egg?)

"Does the state know you have so many children?" (The IRS certainly does.)

"Well, at least you don't ever have to worry about birth control!" (My, how very astute!)

"Some of my best friends are gay." (No way! I also have some great friends who are straight! Imagine that!)

"I've been to a gay bar. Twice." (Get out! Me, too!)

"I've been to a Gay Pride Parade." (Get out! Me, too!)

"I took my daughter/son to a Gay Pride Parade." (Get out! Me, too!)

"I bought you this rainbow flag as a housewarming present." (Thank you. I'll be sure to put it out in June.)

"You know, I was going to get you a macrame plant hanger, but I couldn't find one anywhere." (Well, it's the thought that counts. No, really.)

"Do you have a gay friend who could help me ....

(1) pick out a good wine? 
(2) help me with my window treatments?
(3) help me remodel my bedroom?
(4) pick out a dress for the party?"

(Yes. Yes. Yes. And, yes. This is also part of why we call ourselves 'gay'.)

"I'm sorry, I can't rent this apartment to you." (Yup, I get it.)

"I'm sorry, that position has already been filled." (Yup, I get it.)

"You don't have any trouble with homosexuality, do you?" (Nope, not at all.)

"What books would you recommend that I read?" (Oh, where to begin? Try the library.)

"I don't understand this book you recommended." (Did you not understand or did it make you feel uncomfortable so you couldn't concentrate?)

"Can you help me understand homosexuality?" (No, actually, I can't. That's your responsibility.)

"Who does your hair? You are so lucky to know so many gay men!" (I know, right? How lucky am I? That's part of why we're called 'gay'.)

"Do you know the words to this 1940s Broadway Play? Or, do you need to call a gay male friend? How does that work, anyway?" (Hum a few bars and we'll look it up on Google.)

"I love Lady Gaga. And, Madonna, too!" (No way! I also like Tom Cruise and Denzel Washington.)

"I don't care what anyone does in the privacy of their own bedrooms. I just don't like it when you people flaunt it." (If I'm a 'homosexual' and I scratch my nose in public, is that a 'homosexual act' I'm 'flaunting' ?)

"Why is it that lesbian women don't molest children but gay men do?" (Why is it that anyone molests children - especially heterosexual men?)

"Is it nature or nurture?" (Actually, it's a spectrum.)

Well, that's probably more than enough for now.  You get the picture.

The thing of it is that we all say dumb things from time to time. We all have a lot of healing to do.  That's because prejudice and bigotry are social diseases. We are all carefully taught. 

Sometimes, the best way to 'unlearn' something is to learn to laugh at ourselves - and others who say dumb things that can be hurtful.

Laughter may or may not be the 'best' medicine, but without it, our humanity is diminished.

Indeed, I think laughter is one of the greatest statements of faith. If you are able to laugh in the face of the evils of sexism, heterosexism and homophobia, you know God is, ultimately, in charge.

The only 'medicine' I know, besides laughter, is forgiveness.

The healing really beings when you begin to forgive yourself.