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Friday, March 30, 2007

Where I live . . .

Welcome to my world, where everyone is an equal opportunity offender (and, given that this is the Land of the Soprano's, you can take that in whatever interpretation you desire).

I don't know the identity of the creator or origin of this, but I think someone has LOTS of time on their hands . . . an unfortunate "occupational hazard" in the NE Corridor.

Let "The Barbie's" introduce to The Garden State of New Jersey

"Hackettstown Barbie"

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop...then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Irvington Barbie"

This B arbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Lake Hopatcong Barbie"

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Statesboro Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

"Mountain Lakes Barbie"

This princess Barbie is sold only in the Mountain Lakes area. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

"Rockaway Barbie"

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"The Short Hills Barbie"

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

" Sussex County Barbie"

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She frequents Bahama Bob's . She has a six-pack of Bud Lite and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


Muthah+ said...

Wonderful! It is nice to know that you Yankee types have as much diversity as this.

Bill said...

Actually I saw this the other day in an email. I didn't share it because I didn't want to offend. It opens up a whole discussion on how stereotypes hurt people or if taken to the extreme, kill people. Cases in point, the stereotypes of Jews prior to WWII and the stereotypes of Gays. It seems harmsless and maybe even funny but it's serious stuff.

emmy said...

Being a Jersey girl myself, I find this absolutely hilarious and it made my day :)

Jake said...

What? No Pine Barrens model? I feel excluded!

- South Jersey Jake

Hiram said...

As a former resident of Somerset County -- too true!

Elizabeth Kaeton said...

I've been here 15 years - long enough to make poke some fun at the stereotypes of my "adopted home state."

The think about stereotypes is that a piece of it is true. Women ARE, for the most part, more emotional than men. Most men (well, straight men, anyway), REALLY don't care as much about hair care products, much less home decorating.

Living here, I found enough of these stereotypes true to make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

What, no Jersey City Barbie?

- Karen
JC born and raised

DBW said...

OMG! That is hillarious. I grew up in Parsippany-- and that would be somewhere between Mountain Lakes and Rockaway, I guess. Most of my HS class lives in Rockaway now. Too funny. I don't know how anyone affords to live in Morris County anymmore. My best friend and his wife bought their first house... a 2 bedroom house on a concrete slab with no basement and no driveway on what might be optimistically considered a "postage stamp" lot in Lake Parsippany. The price-- 410K. Property taxes over 5K a month. Can you imagine? I am shocked. Our house in MI is a 3 BR on a 1/4 acre city lot and our mortgage payment is less than 800 a month, and our annual property tax is less than 1K. How do people afford to live out there? I have no clue. In my wildest dreams, I could never afford to live in the neighborhood where I grew up.

VTcrone said...

As a former Jersey woman of 25 years, it appears to me that the exception of Irvington Barbie, whoever created them has a hang-up about the northwestern part of the state, which is also the most Republican section. (Maybe that's the clue?)Poor south Jersey doesn't get any respect.
Anyway, it made me giggle and wonder what state will be next.

episcopalifem said...

I'm with Jake, living down by the Shore - there needs to be a shorebabe Barbie.

I will NOT model.

Bill - I hear ya, but, I think this comes under the category of making fun of ourselves, so, it's not quite as seriously serious in my mind.


Elizabeth Kaeton said...

Every now and again, I remind my Wardens and Vestry that, even though I am one of the higher paid WOMEN clergy in the Diocese of Newark (there are clergy MEN in congregations of lesser size who make WAY more than me), I still could never afford to own a home in Chatham, which of course, is in Morris County.

The rectory - a modest three BR, two Bath colonial - was recently appraised at $1.1 million. That's on the lower end of the scale of houses on this street.


I'd say it's absolutely obscene!

DBW said...

wfThe house next door to the one where we lived when I was in HS, in the Glacier Hills section of Parsippany, went for $780K. This is what you would call a cookie-cutter four bedroom colonial built in the early 1970s, on a 1/4 acre lot. That same house would go for $250K, tops, in a primo neighborhood in west Michigan. Its obnoxious. I don't know how people afford to live there. I went back to my class reunion and I told people I had two houses, one of them on a lake (God bless Grandfathers who bought lakefront vacation homes in the 1950s and then passed them down) and their eyes got big. Lawyers have to rent apartments out there. I am a low level underpaid academic and even I can own real estate where I live.
Of course, I noticed most of my classmates who never left Morris County got this glazed over look on their faces when I told them I lived in Michigan, and I could tell that in their minds Michigan was somewhere out there, vaguely west of Philadelphia, where it was cold. Americans are very isolated... though who am I to talk... Michigan is unique because we are surrounded by huge lakes on three sides, so its not easy to get out of Michigan once you get in... which makes people like my father in law who have never left the state in their lives. So provinciality is not just something that goes on in the tri-state area.

Caminante said...

"It is nice to know that you Yankee types have as much diversity as this." Say WHAT???? I've not thought of New Jerseyites as Yankees but maybe that's because I've always thought it was 'those damn Connecticut Yankees' (I's one of them by heritage). Anyway, I am surprised there's no Princeton Barbie since Princeton doesn't even consider itself part of NJ half the time (personal observation having lived there nine years).

June Butler said...

I received my set of south Louisiana Barbies a few weeks ago, and they are just right. However, some of them are the same dolls as the New Jersey dolls. How can that be?

MarkBrunson said...

I think that this post is a wonderful way of bringing people together, because, I assure you, every one of those "types" is found right here in Southwest Georgia!